That was a slightly sarcastic title. I mean, there is no way to fix everything, even though there are self-help books and YouTube videos claiming they can fix, well, anything. For instance, I just went on YouTube to find a video teaching me how to make the side view mirrors retract while parking my new car. Critical information indeed. Who among us really wants our side view mirrors sticking out when we park? Honestly. There are books and videos about fixing your golf swing, changing your diet to a healthier one, even how to be a better grandparent. But the one that gets both John and me are how-to books teaching you how to sleep. Really? You get tired, you shut your eyes and that’s it, game over. How hard is that? I, for instance, was infamous for an inability to keep my eyes open every day sometime between 3 and 4. This was not a recipe for climbing the corporate ladder. One time, I was flown to Paris to understand how my Swiffer campaign was being adopted in France. Between the wine and cheese courses and the movies on the plane, I managed to get about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. The plane landed in Paris around 6 am and I got to a meeting, held specifically for me and my partner (not John at the time). I was sitting in a conference room with about 8 people, absolutely nowhere to hide. The meeting started around 9 (3:00 back east if you’re counting) and I could not keep my eyes open for the life of me. Not exactly a good look. And this was compounded when it became 3 in Paris. Face it, me and 3 are no good together. But if you need a self-help book about how to fall asleep at 3, I’m your man. Thankfully, I discovered a trick at work in my last few years of advertising. I worked on the 29th floor, the company cafeteria was on the 2nd floor and adjacent to the cafeteria were 7 rooms specifically set aside for lactating mothers. Luckily for me, absolutely nobody knew about them except for the woman friend of mine who used one of the rooms for a daily 20-minute meditation. For me, the meditation invariably turned into a 20-minute nap, or as I liked to tell my meditating friend, my medi-nap. But back to the self-help stuff. John encountered this info about sleep while wearing a watch that critiqued his sleep. Yes, you may be getting the right amount of sleep, but is it the right kind of sleep? I don’t want to know. It’s sleep dammit. Babies are great at it. On the bright side, it gave John the inspiration for this idea.

Onto the other comic this week. The one about fixing an iron. For you golf enthusiasts out there, no, we’re not talking about a 5-iron or 9-iron, we’re referring to the type of iron you use to iron your clothes. To get those wrinkles out (unless of course you own “New, improved wrinkle-free linen”) from Untuckit.com. Now who on earth would be that lazy? Not me. Okay, maybe me. The point is, that nobody fixes things anymore. I mean professionals. For instance, our dishwasher wouldn't start. The first repairman I called said over the phone, “How old is it?” I said, “7 years old.” He said, “Not worth getting it fixed. Just get a new one.” Or my tv, a big screen HD sort of tv that one day stopped working. I called the electrician who ordered and installed the tv in the first place and he said, “That’s what, 6-years old?” And I replied, “Yeah,” to which he added, “You can’t expect things to last that long. Sorry but it’s time for a new one.” This “ancient” television for which I paid about $3,000 for, if memory serves me right, is now available at Costco for $400. So why pay the repairman more than that to fix it? And let’s not even talk about iPhones. Okay let’s. To quote John (not exactly but pretty close), they last just long enough to be of service throughout the time it takes to pay off the two-year phone plan, at which time the battery magically stops working and the Verizon store tells you it’s time to buy a new iPhone 30 for the low, low price of… You get the idea. These days, things aren’t made to be fixed. They are made to last just long enough to get them replaced. But, if you insist on trying to repair them yourself, like Al did with his iron, don’t worry, there’s a book or video on how to do just that. All right then, gotta go. I’m feeling a little hungry. Maybe I’ll pick up a self-help book on how to eat.

Have a great Spring weekend and we’ll see you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John