Let me start by saying that I do not like country clubs. I like golf. I like tennis. I like swimming pools. But I don’t like clubs. First of all, they tend to be exclusive. Which is another word for exclusionary. When L.A. country clubs wouldn't allow Jews in the 1920’s, Groucho Marx, Jack Benny and George Burns said “Screw it, we’ll open our own.” Which would have been great, except they didn’t let the people in who wouldn’t let them in. Full disclosure: my parents belonged to a country club when I was a kid. I used to call it, “The Not Allowed Club.” Somehow I did everything you were not allowed to do. Cut off jeans in 80 degree weather, not allowed. T-shirts without collars, not allowed. Cannon balls in the swimming pool, not allowed. And then there was the dining room. If you’ve never eaten in a country club dining room, you’re not missing out on much. First of all, everybody knows everybody because they all play golf and tennis together and they all invite each other to their parties. So the people from each table are always getting up to come over to say hello, and you are constantly expected to stand up when they come. My dad would say stuff like, “Andy, you remember Mr. and Mrs Rubin and their son Jeffrey.” And he would nod his head slightly upwards, and I would be required to stand and say, “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Rubin, then shake their hands, then sit back down again. Only to rise two minutes later when the Grossmans came by. Secret: I never remembered their names.

John, however, belonged to a tennis club. The all-whites policy was a term he knew as well as the term Jr. Club. When he mentioned it, I remembered that they also had an all-whites policy at the Not Allowed Club. Of course they did. They may have modified the policy over the last few years to allow pastels, but I’m not holding my breath. Although I must admit, I look pretty (damned good) in pink.

That’s it for this week. John will hold down the fort while I go on vacation for two weeks. And then I’ll hold the fort for him. What exactly does it mean to hold the fort? I hope the fort doesn't have an all-whites policy.

Andy and John