Listen, there’s nothing wrong with a bowl of French onion soup. It’s cheesy, delicious, and just the right thing on a cold night. But on a first date? Not that it’s not still hot, cheesy and delicious. It’s just that cheese pull thingy. You know, the part when you manage to cut the soggy bread and the mozzarella and ladle up some soup, all using a spoon (which, last I checked, has no sharp edges) and proceed to lift it to your mouth. It’s inevitable that the cheese will string out from the bowl all the way to your mouth because of the aforementioned no sharp edges on a spoon thing. Okay so now you’re in a pickle. Well, actually you’re in a bowl of french onion soup, but I digress. What options do you have? You have to either try to saw off the cheese with your teeth, or bring a knife up under the cheese pull and cut upwards, or (my preferred method) pull it free with your fingers. Now this is a subtle art that must be timed perfectly for when the other person is not looking. This is particularly important on a first date. Not as important if it’s a long-standing relationship in which case your partner has already become adjusted and accepting of your manners (or lack thereof). One obvious solution is not to order onion soup on a first date. But on the other hand, it’s so damn good I think it’s worth the CPC (Cheese Pull Conundrum). Obviously our character Craig does not agree. But that’s part of the reason he’s still single.

Our other comic came from a John observation about how hard it is to read a menu in a restaurant. One reason is the light is very low. Another is that the type on the menu is very small. A third reason is that eyesight doesn't generally improve with age. So how do we compensate? Do you don a pair of reading glasses? Still doesn't help with the low light. Whip out your iPhone or Apple Watch (which I just learned about last week watching a waiter use his) and put it in flashlight mode? Or do you save yourself the trouble of having to search through your pockets or purse or, god forbid, fanny pack and just hold the paper menu up against the romantic candle on the table. What could possibly go wrong? Glad you asked. I take you back to a time in my early teens when I went to Sunday School (that’s like Bar Mitzvah light) at Temple Emanu-El in New York City. We had a Purim festival. For the uninitiated, Purim is a festival celebrating the salvation of the Jewish people in ancient times. People dress up in costumes, kind of like Halloween. In this particular Sunday School festival, the little girl sitting right beside me leaned over a candle to get a piece of cake, and, as God is my witness, her hair caught on fire! Before the teacher could reach her with a towel, I dumped my whole glass of water and accompanying glass juice on top of her head to put the fire out. It worked. The Sunday School teachers patted me on the back and told me I was a hero, and the girl (whose name I cannot recall) was crying hysterically with singed hair, but it never reached her scalp, thank goodness, The event left an everlasting mark on me (and on her I’m sure), and for this reason, I never hold something flammable near a burning candle. My new go-to is the Apple Watch in flashlight mode. Granted, it’s a little pool of light, but it beats the hell out of holding a burning menu.

Have a great weekend and there’s only one more week of summer vacation and then it’s back to school new crayons, backpack, three-ring binder notebooks...oh wait, that was over for me and John a few years ago. Like 50, but who’s counting?

See you next week,

Andy and John