Should I take it now or take it later? 5/3/19

Social security. Once you hit 60 you start thinking about it. Should I take it as soon as I can? That would be age 62 1/2 (why the half is anyone’s guess), or should I wait as long as I can? That would be age 70 1/2 (there’s that damn half again). If you take it right away, you get less each month. The longer you wait, the more you get. But who knows how long you’re going to last? Gosh, this is getting kind of morbid, but at any rate, it’s a thing John and I discussed. It’s kind of funny because the 70 1/2 thing works only if you plan on being around a long time. I proposed that idea to John and he said, no, what does everyone you know say when you talk about how long you’re gonna be around? They say, “Yeah, but what happens if you get hit by a bus?” And that was the core of our first idea this week.

Our second thought came from having to wait on the phone. Anytime you have to, it’s horrible, and if you’re like us, you dread it even before it happens. It’s the call to dispute an insurance claim, a bank statement, a credit card bill, fun stuff like that. I recently suffered through one of these with Citibank. Now I’m sure it’s a fine institution, but it’s an institution. And my “representative” obviously had a script she was reading from. She was told, when the customer seems to be getting more and more upset (that’d be me) just tell him/her that “I understand the frustration you’re going through.” Trust me, it doesn’t work. I once had an advertising client who, in rejecting my idea said, “I applaud your passion, but…no.” Hey, buddy, applaud this.

One final note, John repeated the opening lyrics to “Brandy, you’re a fine girl,” word for word. I tried to get us to do “Mandy” but I could only get as far as “I remember all my life…” so John won.

See you next week.

The New 60

A couple of mind readers, we're not. 4/19/19

Remember the mini series, The People vs. O.J.? In it, the all-black jury is coming to OJ’s house to see if he’s truly part of the black community. OJ’s lawyers take a peek first and are horrified to find pictures of OJ and his white wife, NIcole. OJ Playing golf with the extremely white Arnold Palmer, etc. The lawyers then “blackify” his house with African Art and sculpture. Well this is sort of like that, with much, much lower stakes. Al rearranges Craig’s apartment to be much more appealing to Craig’s date. Cause Al’s a mindreader. Al knows exactly what’s going to work. On a woman he’s never met. Sure he does.

The next strip is born of an amazing coincidence. It turns out both John and my oldest kids are daughters, both the same age, both named Ali! Now we will always see them as our “kids” even though they are all grown up. But what happens when someone calls them “ma’am” for the first time? We certainly remember the first time we were called “sir.” It’s a sign of respect. The hell with that, it’s a sign of age, is what it is. We watch Marv’s daughter, named Alicia (absolutely NO relation to either of our daughters, purely coincidental) experience her first encounter with that phenomenon. We tried to read the mind of what a young woman must think while being confronted with a ma’am. I’m sure we failed spectacularly, but that’s all part of the fun.

Have a great weekend and we will see you next week with two new ones.

The New 60

Prescription for dealing with prescription drug ads 3/22/19

These days, it seems like you can’t turn on the tv without listening to a pharmaceutical ad. Now maybe that’s a result of watching things like cable news shows, but still. One day I said to John, you ever notice with these new drugs, how they say “People who are allergic to X shouldn’t take X. No shit.” He said, “I wonder about that all the time. How the hell would you know you’re allergic to something if you’ve never taken that thing?” And so our first comic was born.

This is part of what is known as “fair balance.” And that, dear readers, led us to our second comic. The fair balance is the part that comes after the part when they tell you how wonderful your life will be if you take whatever drug they happen to be hawking. It’s the part with the disgusting and scary list of side effects, such as “anal leakage.” We decided to spare you by leaving that part out of the actual comic.

Now as many of you know, John and I had long careers in advertising. And towards the end, we did a lot of pharma (industry shorthand for pharmaceutical advertising). That’s why we know fancy terms like “fair balance.” True story, we rarely worked together in advertising, but did work in the same agency for the last 10 years or so. It was at that agency that John and his partner came up with a terrific animated campaign for an arthritis drug. After miraculously making it through the myriad testing layers, the campaign aired, everyone was thrilled at the response, and soon there were several more executions ready to move into production. Then a similar drug was found to cause fatal heart attacks. All advertising was pulled…leading to the unceremonious demise of the cheery little animated campaign. Eventually, the drug went back on air but they were required to include the possible fatal side effects in the fair balance So the announcer, with a cheery voice, had to say something like: “People who are allergic to _________ shouldn’t take ________. Side effects may include nausea, lightheadedness and internal bleeding, which in rare cases, can lead to death.” You’re sitting in the recording session saying, “Uhh can you make that death part seem not so dark?”

Oh, and one last thing. in case you never bothered to wrestle with the name, Dis-kure-zitall, is our goof name for “This cures it all.” See you next week.

The New 60

A big tip on getting up there 3/15/19

We were trying to schedule dinner with friends both locally and in the city. You know how planning can get. So after another cancellation, we made reservations for 6 (3 couples) to meet for some great old school Italian in the Bronx. What people dismissively call a “red sauce joint” but I call “delicious.” If you tell me you can’t stand chicken parm, I’m telling you you’re a liar. As fate would have it, a major snowstorm was called for that evening. We moved dinner up early and arrived early and 4 of us went to the bar. After ordering drinks the bar tender asked us all for our ID’s. And I noticed the women seemed delighted. When I mentioned this to John the next day, he quickly thought of a more diabolical ending then the one that actually happened. What really happened was we said “Really,” and he said “No, not really.” He was having fun with us, but you can’t recreate dialogue like that with a still image so we changed the ending accordingly. A tip to all bartenders: ask for the ID. You’ll make fast friends.

Our second comic comes from two separate incidents. One of us saw Elton John in a big stadium while the other attended a local music hall to see Michael McDonald (he of the Doobie Brothers, one album with Steely Dan and a long solo career). What we noticed was how freaking old everyone in the audience was. It shouldn’t have been a surprise but it was anyway. Often my wife and I will say, “Can you believe how old everyone is around here?” and it occurs to me we don’t have the luxury of a mirror when we say this. Plus it’s an ego thing, so when we say, “Can you believe how old everyone is,” we never are ever talking about ourselves. Ever. Is that clear? Not even when we go on a hiking trip to celebrate my brother in law’s 70th birthday. We are young damn it. Understand?

Phoning it in 11/30/18

No, we’re not actually phoning it in. We’re doing a “Then and Now” about the ubiquitous, sometimes obnoxious, and always interruptus … cell phone. When we got the idea I thought it would be great to show all the things you used to do and show how they’re done now. But John said no, I have a different insight. It doesn't matter what the current technology happens to be, we’re still doing exactly the same stuff we used to do, only now it’s on a phone. Better angle. That phone brings joy and pain, and like the people in your life that are most important to you, there are times you can’t live with them, but god forbid you try to live without them.

A good case in point was involved the Landorf family dog, a wheaten terrier (we called him a Wheaten Terrorist) named Otis. Unfortunately Otis grew increasingly aggressive after he turned 7 or 8. He became agitated when I went to work. And would bark in a menacing way. Every morning I had to go downstairs, put him in a cage, get my work bag and coat, come back downstairs and take a biscuit. I’d let Otis out of the cage and toss the biscuit across the room. He’d chase after it and I’d open the door to the garage and quickly shut it behind me. Until one day when I left my cell phone behind. Rather than deal with my dog, I spent the day without a phone. But soon thereafter, we were without Otis. Trust me, we tried to make it work.

The motivation for the next comic came from the midterm elections. We noticed a raft of younger and younger candidates. They overcame long odds and beat their much older and more established opponents in the primaries and then went on to win their respective midterms. So many of them sounded so mature and reasonable and full of energy. We were mutually impressed. And then we wondered if either of us could have run for congress when we were in our twenties. The answer was a resounding no. (Something about getting into a car after consuming two pot brownies probably disqualified me).

We had fun thinking that one up and recalling all the intelligent things we did in our 20’s.

At any rate, we hope you enjoy this week’s strips (take your minds out of the gutter) and we’ll be back with two new ones next week.

Have a terrific weekend (even if you’re a Giants or Jets fan)

The New 60

Stuffing the turkey, stuffing ourselves 11/23/18

It seems hard to believe but Thanksgiving is upon us once again. As we get a little older, we lose a few miles per hour off our fastballs, but maybe, hopefully, we gain perspective. The prospect of metaphorically losing a few miles off your fastball is of course was what led John to the fly swatter. Not that HE’S lost anything mind you.

We think a wonderful source of comedy is the difference between how we see ourselves and the way the rest of the world sees us. In our minds, we’re not that much different from when we were in our 20’s and 30’s. At least mentally. But then stuff happens. The cute waitress calls you “sir.” Someone gets up on the bus and offers you their seat. As I wrote a couple weeks ago, some lady leaned out of a car window and said “you’re crossing against the light, old man.” I looked behind me to see who she was talking to (not really, I knew who she was talking to, but being called old man was still a shock.)

Even an act as simple as catching a fly (not a fly ball, but the kind that flies around in the kitchen) becomes a test of “I’ve still got it.” Which is better than a test of reflexes, because let’s face it, they’re slower than they used to be. This week’s first comic shows Al grappling with a fly, and of course, with getting older. But with perspective we adjust. Playing more doubles than singles in tennis. Hitting from a forward tee in golf and mulling a switch to senior shafts. And, speaking of fly balls, playing in an over 60 slo-pitch softball league. But with perspective, it’s all okay. ‘Cause we’re still out there playing tennis, golf and softball (well I’m not playing softball, but as soon as I find an over 60 league, I’m back, and watch out fellas, I can still throw the ball all the way from the pitchers mound to first base.)

The second comic is John’s tribute to Norman Rockwell’s famed Thanksgiving portrait, using our characters. And it’s a reminder to have a great Thanksgiving. Enjoy your families and don’t talk politics until Uncle Albert goes home.

Happy Holidays

The New 60