If Martians Could Hear Us Speak, What Would They Think? 11/05/21

As anybody over the age of 60 can attest, going out to dinner with your friends becomes increasingly complicated. First, there’s the ailment discussions. “Oh, my knee is killing me, what’s the name of that foot doctor you like?” “Feet and knees are different things.” “I don’t think I’ll have a drink tonight, my headaches have been acting up.” “Ya know I complained to my doctor about acid reflux. He said to lay off red wine, red meat, chocolate, cigars and alcohol.” And that’s before we start to order the food, which is what one of this week’s comics is focused on. When did we transition from asking for a caesar salad to asking for a caesar salad, no anchovies, hold the croutons, dressing on the side and please make sure that egg yolk isn’t raw? Remember the Burger King jingle, “Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us?” That’s where it all started and I’ll tell you one thing, they upset me! And let’s not even start with gluten-free. Okay let’s. Does anyone know what the f#@k gluten is? I certainly don’t but I know I sure as hell like it. Stuff like bread, cake, pasta have gluten in them, and they taste pretty damn good. If you have a certain medical condition and can’t eat gluten that’s one thing, but for everyone else, enough with the gluten-free alright? Have you ever tasted brown rice pasta or red lentil pasta or (yummy) chickpea pasta????? About as tasty as cauliflower pizza. A couple months ago, we bought a loaf of gluten-free bread at a nearby farmer’s market. As we put two slices into the toaster oven, the most remarkable thing happened. It started to bubble. Have you ever seen bread start to bubble? No. Because bread shouldn’t bubble. It should turn brown. Period, the end. Give me a good slice of old-fashioned sourdough any day of the week. Oh, and gluten-free potato chips? Every potato chip ever made has been gluten-free to begin with. They’re potatoes. As for fat-free and gluten-free, We think they ought to be free, because that’s all we’d be willing to pay for them.

And then we tackled the wonderful world of cliches. Stuff people say without giving it a second thought. Jerry Seinfeld once said, “When I’m going to visit a friend and another friend says, ‘Send them my best’, I want to say, is that really your best-- to ask me to tell them you send your best? Why don’t you pick up the phone and tell them yourself? Wouldn’t that be better?” There are so many examples of these silly sayings we don’t think about, but I’m not going to repeat them here, because they are sure to become fodder for future comics. But about the one we chose, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” I mean we’re sure there is more than one way, but why such a gory metaphor? And why would you want to skin a cat anyway? Isn’t that what cat lovers love about cats in the first place, their furry, huggable skin? And it’s not like we eat cats, so there’s absolutely no reason to skin a cat in the first place. Nonetheless, Marv manages to come up with an answer. Which brings us back to the title of this blog, If Martians could hear us speak, what would they think? We think the Martian would say, “You know what, I”m heading back to Mars.”