We're Not THAT Old, Are We? 04/19/24

Ever been stopped for some kind of traffic violation? C’mon, admit it. Of course you have. When you’re young you can try to charm the police officer. When you’re older, you hope maybe they’ll take pity on you. Or like Al, you can be clueless. About a week ago, I practiced one of my go-to moves: the rolling stop. It’s an art form. You have to go slowly enough to give you plausible deniability (No officer, I came to a stop), but fast enough to not slow down your arrival time. I thought I had it down to a science, but was mistaken when the flashing lights of a police car appeared from behind me. I looked in the rearview, then I looked in front of me to ascertain just who was getting pulled over. And upon seeing no other vehicles, I concluded the officer must have been pulling over yours truly. I rolled down the window and a female officer approached the car. She said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I replied, “Uhh, I did a rolling stop? I thought I had stopped sufficiently.” She said, “License and registration please.” I proceeded to pull every card I had out of my wallet until I found the license, and then started rooting around my glove compartment for the registration, turning over papers until she stopped me and said, “That’s okay sir.” She saw that I lived in the same Westchester town where she pulled me over and said, “I’m going to let you go with just a warning this time, but be careful next time.” Wow. Talk about lucky. But then there was this other time about a year ago, when all the charm in the world did absolutely nothing for me. That time, I got pulled over by a much meaner policeman. He looked like he was in his early twenties and thought you had to be like Kojak to be a cop. What was my infraction? Yep, you guessed it. Another rolling stop. And Kojak appears from nowhere, lights flashing. After the license and registration bit, he walks back to his car. Aha, I think. This is where he sees I’m a local boy and lets me off. But no, he comes back and hands me a ticket. “Maybe he missed my address,” I think. So I remind him. “I live just a couple blocks from here,” And he replies, “Then I don’t have to tell you how dangerous this corner is.” I resisted the urge to reply, “There’s absolutely no other car coming or going here. It ain’t exactly 42nd Street and Times Square!”I resisted, but just barely. I told all this to John and we made a mash up of our respective traffic violations and nailed poor Marv with a ticket.

Our second comic comes from an observation I made to John about seeing the Miami Marlins pitching coach, Mel Stottlemyre Jr., walk out to the mound. To those of you who aren’t into baseball, he is the son of Mel Stottlemyre, a former Yankee, who was their star pitcher when I was growing up. Now here was his kid, Mel Jr., trotting out to the mound to talk to his pitcher. Peeking out from under Junior’s cap was a full head of white hair, and he had a white beard to boot. John countered with, “If you think that’s something, how about Mike Yastrzemski, the Giants outfielder?” Again, for those non fans, Carl Yastrzemski (pronounced ya-strem-ski or just “Yaz” for short) played on the Boston Red Sox during our misspent youths. I said, “Oh, Carl’s son?” And John replied, “No his GRANDson,” and another comic was born. By the way, Mike himself will be likely retiring in a couple years. The point is, there is a progression among young male sports fans. First we dream of being professional ballplayers. Then, in our twenties, we watch a game and think, “Damn, some of these guys are younger than me!” Then it’s, “Wow, he just retired and I’m older than he is!!” Followed by, “No, that’s his grandson.”

So that’s it for this week. A special shoutout to my wife Joanie, who is getting honored tonight for her years of service on the board of Girls Inc., and one final thought: The Mets third baseman just pulled his hamstring. If they need an emergency replacement, I’m still here. Have a great weekend,

Andy and John