High Finance 04/05/24

No, “high finance” is not some dumb pun about getting high while balancing your checkbook. It’s about how we’re not as smart about our finances as we think we are. At least some of us. At least me. Like when it comes to splitting the dinner check. John and I discussed the many different ways a dinner out can become awkward. You know the drill. Some people have a glass of wine and that’s it. Others start with a cocktail, maybe a second and then ask about splitting a bottle of wine that’s only $105.00. They want to split the check and you are confronted with the following dilemma: do I say something, like “I only had one glass of wine,” and sound like a cheap son-of-a-bitch? Or do I grin and bear it? I choose grin and bear it. I kid you not, I was once at an agency celebration for winning a new account. About 12 of us went to a pizzeria, we ordered a bunch of pies with various toppings and when the check came, somebody said, “I only ordered the plain pie, I don’t see why I have to split evenly with the people who ordered toppings.” This person was summarily shouted down. So that’s one side of the equation. The other side is the people who intentionally (even if it’s not intentionally, it still seems intentional) order the most expensive thing on the menu, knowing the couples will split the check. If you remember Father Guido Sarducci from Saturday Night Live (or SNL for anyone under the age of 50), he once did a hilarious skit about the Last Supper which featured an apostle suggesting that Jesus order the most expensive thing on the menu, a gigantic steak, because everyone is going to split the bill and wind up spending the same amount of shekels. And I’ve been on the other end of the equation where someone says, I only ordered two appetizers, and then want to itemize the entire bill so it comes out fairly. Yes they may end up saving themselves a few shekels, but they’ve lost me as a future dinner companion. Of course there are subtle variations on this theme. Like if you’re the person who ordered the most expensive thing, and then you offer to pay more or to leave the tip and then the other person agrees. Not okay. I mean, you’re just offering so you seem like a good person, but the other person is NEVER supposed to take you up on it.

Okay, I got carried away. The other came out from John’s head, but affects MY apartment, so I immediately related. John and his wife will do bulk shopping at Costco. My wife and I also have close friends who swear by everything Costco. We even have a Costco card because having one enabled my wife to get a big discount on her car lease, believe it or not. But Costco goers of the world, I have something to say to you. If you live in a house, go for it. If you live in an apartment, avoid it like the plague. For instance, we’ve got a refrigerator/freezer combo that divides vertically. Lots of room for the double door fridge, but not so much for the freezer part. It looks like a quarter of the total unit. When you go to Costco, you don’t just buy a package of turkey breasts, you buy the whole freakin’ turkey. What am I supposed to do with the hamburger buns? Chuck them? And paper towels? Costco sells them by the 12-pack. Toilet paper? Anyone for a Charmin Ultra-Soft, mega-roll 12-pack? So the question becomes, would you rather have room to live, or room to store the wonderful bargains you found at Costco? Even though Costco, according to Wirecutter, has the top rated vodka in a blind-taste test, I’m sticking with Tito’s. The liter size.

That’s it for this week. Enjoy the wonderful April weather complete with tornadoes, thunderstorms and tennis ball sized hail. Maybe enjoy the weekend inside. And don’t worry, you’ll have plenty to eat. If you shop at Costco.

Andy and John