What the World Needs Now. 12/20/24

In the “good old days (whenever they were)” a hamburger was a hamburger was a hamburger. And taking your kids to the ballgame didn’t require taking out a reverse mortgage. It’s also true that every generation, as it ages, thinks about the good old days. In other words, the days when they knew how everything worked. Case in point: I don’t go to McDonalds much, except when I’m driving long distance and make a pit stop. That’s a lie. I bought a breakfast burrito last week a couple blocks from home. But anyway, I go into the restaurant and there is a giant electronic board upon which you are supposed to place your order and then pick it up at the register when they call your number. I’m sure this is part of a master plot to do away with cashiers. Humans are so inconvenient. When I got to the iced coffee, I wanted it unsweetened, with half and half. That was so complex for this kiosk, that I couldn’t place my order. Finally, in frustration, I went to the cashier. She was fine with unsweetened, but had no idea what half & half was. At one point asking if I wanted the iced coffee half filled with cream. In response, I got a Diet Coke. Which gets us around to smashed burgers, which McDonalds does not have. Pro tip: if you actually want a smash burger, the chain called Smashburger has them. The idea is to press the outside of the patty into the grill so it gets nice and crispy, Now nearly every place you go to has a “smashed burger” or they brazenly violate the copyright and serve “smash burgers.” Only Smashburger can serve a smash burger, okay? It’s just the latest trend and we’re sure something else will come to replace it soon. Maybe a Stuff Burger, where they put the toppings on the inside of the patty. Hey, that’s not a bad idea.

Another thing that’s not like what it used to be is going to a sporting event. The Knicks star point guard, Jalen Brunson was lauded for signing a “team-friendly” 4 year contract extension for $156.5 million. He gave up an extra $113 million that he was eligible to get so the team could afford to sign other good players around him. No wonder they now sell a massive hot dog for $35.00! But it does come with sriracha and fried onions. Wash it down with an $15.00 beer and you’ve got a $50.00 dinner for one. And we haven’t gotten to the tickets, parking, popcorn or soft-serve ice cream served in an upside-down half basketball shaped bowl, complete with team logo. But as John says, it’s not just about the prices, it’s about the baggy shorts that come down below the knees, the elaborate hairstyles, compression sleeves on the arms and knees, and the fact that the players change teams (and therefore uniforms) much more frequently than ever before. As Jerry Seinfeld once put it, when we root for a particular team, we’re actually just rooting for laundry.

In conclusion, I still go to ball games and eat smash burgers so forget everything I just said. Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

These are a few of my favorite things 7/09/21

It’s kinda hard to believe that we are already past two of the big three summer holidays. At least we don’t have to go back to school. But as we race along through the year, it’s good to take stock of where we’ve been and where we’re going. Like Marv, who moved his mom into an assisted living home, where she was happy to go (hey this is a comic and things work out the way we want them to work out, okay)? But now it was time to get her papers in order, whatever that means. To me it means shuffling them around and putting them into piles that make sense at the time, and then never doing anything with those piles. But it was in the nascent days of The New 60 when John and I were at work on a bunch of upcoming comics. We had yet to hit our working rhythm. So, we would either work at his apartment on the balcony or my apartment on the balcony (this is before he moved over 100 miles away-maybe it was my breath?). This was also before the invention of Zoom. On this particular day we were working on my deck and John showed me a bunch of magic marker-type drawings he had done for upcoming ideas. He was very well prepared. He even came with stones to use as paperweights. Trouble is, I live right by the Hudson River and it gets pretty windy (note, if Larry David hadn’t already made it his trademark, I would’ve said, pretty, pretty, pretty windy, but he already said it so I can’t). Moving on, John neglected to place said drawings under said stones when a huge gust of wind came along and blew all the papers off the deck. I live on the 3rd floor so we had to knock on the people’s door on the second floor whohave the deck right below me, and then we actually broke into the deck on the ground floor and recovered almost everything, and while I was breaking and entering, John was going through some prickly shrubbery to recover the rest, and eventually emerged, worse for wear. Somehow, this turned into Marv losing his mom’s papers, but you get the idea.

Next up is the guys at the diner talking about one of their favorite topics, food. Hint to our women fans, when guys get together (heterosexual guys anyway), they used to talk about girls but after a certain age, they talk about food. Not just any food, but the food we sneak so you don’t see us eating it. There, the secret’s out. Shoot me. On second thought, please don’t. We had a lot of (un)healthy debate about McDonald’s vs White Castle vs In ‘n Out, but thought In ‘n Out was too esoteric for our east coasters. Another hint, if you go to In ‘n Out, as I once did with my nephew David, order it “animal style.” It’s an insider’s secret he taught me and now, well, I’ve blown that too. In short, don’t tell me secrets. Shhh. That’ll be our little secret.

We will see you next week with two new ones hot off the press. Until then enjoy your summer weekend.

Andy and John