First World Problems. 06/07/24

Of all the problems in the world, having too much money to spend doesn't seem like a biggie. But we’ve seen it before. Professional athletes, actors or app developers, hedge funders and corporate lawyers who earn untold riches before they’re old enough to understand it’s not going to last forever. I know of a certain actor who lives in a fancy building in Brooklyn. There’s a rooftop deck for the building. Said actor (trust me, you know him) bought 3/4 of the deck, the part with views of the Manhattan Skyline, the New York Harbor and the Statue of Liberty for himself, and let the other 29 tenants split the 1/4 of the roof that’s left. The part without the views. And this from a guy that probably spends no more than 4 weeks a year there. Yeah, that kind of money. Or there’s the recent example of a 22-year-old multimillionaire athlete who covered the floor of a strip club with $100 dollar bills so his friends could have unlimited fun.

We didn't give Sid that kind of money, but close. What would he do with it? What would we do with it? You’d like to think you’d be responsible, but hey, why settle for a mere car when you can just as easily afford a Maserati? Thank goodness the comic doesn’t make the kind of money. The kind that would give John or me the type of aforementioned trouble our young billionaires have to deal with. On the other hand, as The Beach Boys once sang, “Wouldn't it be Nice?” The point is that while we would be sorely tempted to do crazy things with unlimited money, we’re in our 60’s (okay, okay, one of us is in his very, very early 70’s) we at least have some perspective. For a young kid, it would be awfully tough or nearly impossible not to spend it recklessly. Like a private destination wedding in a foreign, far away land. A private plane that doesn't serve its passengers microwave trays of salisbury steak (whatever that is) and pop chips, but instead passes out elk-burger sliders and hand cut fries with a lemon aioli. Heck, it’s not John’s money or mine. So we can spend it as recklessly as we want. So there!

Have a nice weekend, and take it from us, chopped chuck and American cheese makes a better hamburger than ground sirloin and roquefort. Any time.

Andy and John

He Said, She Said. 12/01/23

There is a saying that you should write about what you know. And in general, we stick to that. We once had a fan letter from a guy who said he loved the characters, but suggested we insert a gay character as well. And while we agree (we did introduce a married, gay brother-in-law to Al’s family for a couple of story lines) we try to approach the comic from our perspective, the perspective of hetero white males in their 60’s. What’s that? Yeah okay, I’m 70 (but John’s still a young whippersnapper at 65). And it shows up when we tackle a subject like being transgender. We approach it with the confusion that many people have in their 60’s (and 70’s) regarding their understanding of the trans community. In last week’s blog we talked about how advertising reflects the changing mores of our times. We look back on ads showing doctors in white coats smoking Camels and think, what were they thinking?? What will people think 30 to 40 years from now when they look at our communications today? And I bet one thing that will look naive is our belief that there are only two genders. That you are born one way and that’s the way you should stay. In any event, we hope you look at this comic in the way that our characters look at it: trying to understand and ultimately accept the complexities of life today through the prism of their own experiences. Hence the last line, “I guess Phil lucked out on not having to pay for the wedding.” And now, pardon the pun, let’s transition to our other comic, a dog getting a CAT scan.

Listen, I know people love their pets so much they tend to humanize them. I have a neighbor who calls down the hallway for her dog, “C’mere baby girl.” I have another friend who picks her dog up so it doesn't have to walk on pebbles. Another who has an actual down-stuffed windbreaker that covers the length of the dog’s body and has four holes for the dog’s legs. As Cat Stevens (no relation to Cat Scan) once sang, “Ooh, baby, baby it’s a wild world…” In short, if we’ve managed to offend any pet owners or transgender fans in our audience, we’re sorry. But if we’ve made you laugh, well that’s what it’s all about.

See you next week with two new ones,

Happy Holidays,

Andy and John

Ever Try Changing Clothes in a car? Don't. 09/23/22

Earlier this summer, our son was invited to a friend’s wedding and was one of the groomsmen. My wife and I were invited as well. We had rented a beach house and drove, in our flip flops, shorts and tees, from Long Island to pick up our son at LaGuardia airport, to then proceed to the Catskill mountains, on a Friday afternoon, at rush hour. The total distance was approximately 2-3 light years. One of my favorite sayings is: Man Plans, God laughs. Our plan was to drive to the hotel where the kids were staying, drop our son off, giving him time to change into nice clothes for the rehearsal dinner. Then we’d go to our hotel, where all the old folks were staying, and change into the outfits we’d picked out for the dinner. It would make a hectic day seem a bit more relaxed. Brilliant right? What happened next gave us enough fodder to make this a 3-part saga, so we can't tell you the ending until next week’s blog. But think about this. If it’s true that when an ordinary man (or woman) makes plans, it causes God to laugh, then just think about how God reacts when AL attempts to make a plan. Trust us, God has plenty of new material.

What happened was there was a little bit of traffic. Okay, a lot of traffic. And cell phone service, once you get to the mountains, ohh, how can I say this politely, sucks the big one. Which means no Waze. Which means in addition to being late, we were lost. We dropped our son off and as we got to his hotel, the entire wedding party was leaving. So we waited for our son to change, and then we drove him to the rehearsal dinner so he wouldn't miss the whole thing. Now it was so late, if we turned back to our hotel, we’d have no chance to make it back to the rehearsal dinner in time. So we went to the upper parking lot, lined in gravel the size of rocks. Looked around and saw it was empty, and proceeded to pull our suitcases from the trunk and change, standing up, in the lot. The full Monty. I know it’s a pain to change while sitting in the car, but this was somehow worse. Imagine, if you will, standing on one foot on this big-rock gravel while attempting to put your opposite foot into your pants leg. The good news is we made it and had a great time. The bad news is I am still picking gravel out of my socks. But when I told this story to John, he immediately saw it taking place in a car, which, I must admit, is a hell of a lot funnier visually. And you wind up avoiding rocks in your socks.

That is it for this week, we will see you next week with the last comic in this series plus we’re starting a brand new three-parter about computer help lines. Trust us, they aren’t the least bit helpful.

Andy and John

It Depends on How You Look at It. 09/16/22

A lot of us are getting to the age where we’re becoming grandparents. For John it was a little over a month ago and for me it was April 2021. Now most grandchildren come with two sets of grandparents, and chances are, they are both over the moon with their new arrivals. So, with this being baseball season, and with John and I both being New Yorkers, we figured we’d get the twins a matching set of Mets’ pajamas. In fact, my son bought his niece NY Giants’ pj’s, which she proudly (okay maybe not proudly, but she wore it, okay?) wore during the Giants improbable victory against the Tennessee Titans last Sunday. And even though we have only good feelings towards the other set of grandparents, there is still an underlying pang of jealousy. From one side: “Oh, you took them to Disney World, how great.” From the other, “Oh, you spent the summer with them, how great.” So what if both sets of grandparents bought onesies, which competing team’s onesie would piss off a Mets fan more? The Braves? The Phillies? Nah. The Yankees, and that was the inspiration for our comic.

Next came a situation based on an invitation to the Catskills. It was a wedding and my wife and I accompanied our son there this summer. One thing about mountains, they have no telephone reception and very, very spotty WiFi. We were trying to get somewhere and trust me, it’s hard enough to do out in the middle of nowhere, but it’s nearly impossible to do so without wifi. You end up asking people and they end up misunderstanding you. It’s a rule. Plus, when you’re giving me directions, don’t tell me, “head north out of the parking lot.” Tell me “make a left out of the parking lot.” Because a) I don’t know which way north is, and b) I’m too embarrassed to admit it. This trip proved challenging in many ways which will lead to another strip in the near future and that’s one of the great things about having a comic strip. When you get lost, frustrated, hacked, become the victim in an accident, etc., it still sucks, but at least you can say to yourself, “Well, that’s another strip!” We’ll see what kind of trouble we can get in in future months, but until then, enjoy. And wait for our new collection of comics in a coffee table book this holiday season.

Andy and John

Food, Glorious Food

These days, at our age, it’s all about weddings and funerals. The weddings of our friends’ children and the funerals of our friends’ parents, our own parents or, heaven forbid, our friends. Recently John attended a funeral while I went to a wedding. And you end up hearing a lot of stories that you knew about, but a bunch of stories that you didn’t. John suggested this as a topic for a comic. For instance, I learned of the random arrest of a kid who was buddies with one of my kids (what did he get into and was my own kid involved????), acts of surprising kindness and charity, and in the case of a funeral, you can also be surprised in ways both good and bad. John said he learned some surprisingly good things at the funeral of a friend’s parent—that the parent had fought in a couple of big battles in WW II. Who knew? Not John. At any rate we decided to play this out in a funeral parlor, after debating doing it in the deli where Sal actually worked. It would have looked a lot like Katz’s because we’re both native New Yorkers and Katz’s is the last of the old-time delis still standing. Some of the old faithfuls remain, but in vastly different locations. For instance, the famed 2nd Ave Deli, spelled with English letters that resemble Hebrew letters (famously designed by my former art director partner, Mark Shap-may he rest in peace) is now no longer located on 2nd Avenue. Go figure. But back to the comic, it’s fun to hear about people you thought you knew well. The positive stuff, but also the negative stuff that makes you raise your eyebrows silently (even if we made it all up).

Now our next comic also has to do with food and this time it’s something John experienced and I read about. Molecular gastronomy. Food is all about experimentation. And as the world becomes flatter, we frequently mix different cuisines to produce new flavor combos. I once went to a sushi restaurant in Madrid where one of the courses was a mini cheeseburger, cut like a piece of sushi, atop a small bed of rice. Pretty damn good if I say so myself. But these wildly innovative chefs are constantly trying to experiment and the pressure must be enormous. For instance, John and his wife once visited WD-50, which sounds like a motor oil but stands for the chef, Wylie Dufresne. I’m sure we all remember past cooking techniques, like “tall food” where your plate was stacked high, one ingredient atop the other. Trouble with tall food is that once you cut into it, it all fell down on the plate and it wasn’t so tall anymore. Well, Wylie ushered in a technique called molecular gastronomy. I mean, who wouldn’t want liquid nitrogen sprayed on their chicken paillard? What is a dish without foam and fog? According to John, everything they ordered looked nothing like it was supposed to but tasted exactly like you thought it would. And because of its tiny size, it was packed full of flavor. The only thing that wasn’t miniaturized was the check, and there came our punchline. Sadly (or happily if you’re me) this fad faded as less accomplished chefs tried their hands at it. As Alex Stupak, Dufresne’s pastry chef put it, “It’s like pyrotechnics at a Kiss concert. Take that away (the smoke and fog), take your face paint away and you suck.”

That’s all she (or he) wrote this week. Next week the surgically repaired half of The New 60 (the Andy half) will try next week’s blog but who knows what kind of drugs I’ll be on? One thing’s for certain, like molecular gastronomy, it’ll be an adventure.

Andy and John

On Football (yes again) and Destination Weddings 2/4/22

We imagine you non-football fans asking, “So what’s with all the football comics?” Well it’s the NFL playoffs now, the thrilling three-week tournament that ends up deciding who will play in the Super Bowl. After many unexpected turns and upsets, it’ll be the Cincinnati Bengals vs. the Los Angeles Rams. They will play in the Rams’ new multibillion-dollar pleasure dome known by the poetic name of SoFi Stadium. But that setting does not do justice to the inspiration for today’s football comic, titled “Shirtless.” No, that was inspired by the night game a couple weeks ago in Green Bay, Wisconsin. You heard us right, night game, Green Bay, in January. As the cameras are often wont to do, they pan the crowd and always, and we do mean always, there is the seemingly mandatory shot of a bunch of guys in their 20’s sitting in the stands, with temperatures in the low teens, and negative-degree wind chills, without their shirts on. By the way, they are always, and we mean always, drinking ice cold beers (face it, even hot chocolate would become ice-cold out there). And we often wondered, what kind of idiot would do that? Then just like that, the answer came to us. Sid, the headstrong son of Al and Joanne, Sid would do that. And that became our first comic this week. But since we load them into the website in the order they’re completed, the first comic comes up second in your newsletter, which becomes challenging when we do a 3-part story. Got all that? Good, neither do we.

Next up (or first on your scroll) came from a therapist friend of mine whose name will be withheld to protect the guilty). She is getting married next week and she and her husband-to-be chose a destination wedding in Costa Rica. When I asked her why, she said something to the effect of, “This way we can invite everybody from both families while being reasonably sure nobody will come.” Brilliant. When I shared the idea with John, he thought a lot of people would be thrilled to come to Costa Rica so we moved the comic wedding to Kuala Lumpur, figuring, who in their right mind would ever go there? I mean, I don’t even know where Kuala Lumpur is. I didn’t even know how to spell it correctly until I asked the Google. I guess I could ask it where it is located. Just did. Of course, it’s the capital city of Malaysia. Duh, everyone knows that. At any rate, it’s far away. As John likes to say, “That’s the beauty part.” Actually John picked this up from a former advertising creative partner who picked it up from her father, but what the hell, the whole thing is pretty ingenious, don’t you think? Instead of spending days, weeks or most likely months worrying about who to invite and who not to invite, instead of wasting precious brain cells trying to make sure Uncle Marty and his second wife Sarah aren’t seated at the same table as Aunt Esther and her tennis pro, Rafael, just throw the damn wedding in Kuala Lumpur. Or Thailand for that matter (except that didn’t work for one married couple because my wife and I actually attended that one anyway).

So that is it for this week. We’ll be back next week with two new ones about who knows what (actually we know but we’re not telling).

Have a great weekend

Andy and John

Out of Control 8/13/21

When John and I first started thinking about writing a comic, we went out to lunch. He ordered some Amazonian chicken and rice dish and when it came, I couldn’t help noticing he was pushing the peas aside so he wouldn’t have to eat them. I laughed because I too am a picky eater, especially when it comes to vegetables. I like to think of myself as a pick and choose eater. I choose not to eat most vegetables.

So we got to wondering, what would it be like if you were invited over to a friend’s house for dinner and you didn’t like what they were cooking. It’s hard to say how much you love something, how absolutely delicious it is, when you’ve left 3/4’s of it on your plate. One of my favorite tricks is that when I get up to clear my plate, I pick up the person’s plate next to me, and carefully place it on top of my plate. This way, someone may miss the fact that I left all the “cauliflower rice” on my plate. It’s not freakin’ rice. It’s cauliflower, and I hate cauliflower, okay????

Now onto the comic featuring the traditional Indian dress, known as a Sari. In this case John and his wife Linda were invited to an Indian wedding and Linda thought it would be fun to wear a Sari. Until she tried to put the Sari on. Apparently it’s pretty difficult. Not to worry, there’s a YouTube video on how to do just about anything. Apparently it was very difficult as well. Sorry about the Sari. But it made for a good comic. What would be equally funny would be to see John in a Kurta, the male Indian attire that resembles a long shirt (just looked that up on Google). But apparently he demurred on that idea as well. A suit and tie is challenging enough for me, especially after two years in COVID-19 lockdown and sweatpants. I mean, even blue jeans and a long-sleeved tee feel like dressing up. Everything’s relative, right?

That’s it for this week and we will see you again next week with two new comics.

Note: Saturday night the NY Giants play the NY Jets in a pre-season football game. John is a Jet fan, me a die-hard Giants supporter. If the Giants win Saturday I will be sure to roast John and his Jets in next week’s blog. If somehow, someway the Jets win, I won’t mention the game at all.

Have a great weekend

Andy and John