Caps for Sale 8/5/21

“Caps for Sale” is the name of one of my favorite books when I was a kid. And it also happens to relate to both of this week’s comics. First the debate about screw-top wine bottles vs. corks. I love a good bottle of wine, and after the ritual of the cork is done - foil cutter, followed by Rabbit brand corkscrew remover, it’s time to pour and enjoy. At this point it’s just, wow, this tastes good and pairs well with whatever the hell it is I’m eating. I can also admit to occasions when we are having something that goes with a white wine at home (a broiled lemon sole, for example) and when I go to reach for the wine bottle I am thrilled when I discover that the wine is actually of the screw-top variety. You mean all I have to do is screw the thing open? No more foil cutter, no more Rabbit? Sign me up. But then there’s the occasion when you bring wine to somebody’s house. If you go to a wine store with a knowledgeable staff, chances are they’ll point you in the right direction. But it’s all about perception, right? Does it make you feel twice as good showing up with a $40 bottle of wine vs. a $20 bottle of wine? And who cares if the $20 bottle is actually superior? It’s the presentation that counts. Does it have one of those ribbons around the neck that have been carefully curlicued by running a scissor over it? But what if (gasp!) the bottle has a screw-top? Is the host going to think you’re a cheapskate? Does the ribbon more than make up for the screw-top? And will the wine’s lingering notes of strawberry and tobacco compensate for the easy opening top? Maybe forget the whole thing and bring a bottle of tequilla next time. But with a cork or twist-off…forget it.

And onto the ubiquitous beach hat. John remembers going on an extended family vacation on a cruise ship while I recalled going to my mother-in-law’s 65th birthday in Lake George (34 years ago!!!!!). John made special embarrassing t-shirts for his family and, in my case, we all had embarrassing t-shirts annnouncing “I’m with Charlotte.” When John and I discussed this idea, he immediately sent me a picture of a guy wearing a wide-brimmed, goofy-looking beach hat, just like the one he drew for the comic. I laughingly agreed that, “Yeah, people would really be embarrassed having to walk around wearing a hat like that.” What I didn’t share with him is that I wear a hat that looks almost exactly like that. It might look goofy, but hey, it keeps the sun off the back of my neck. And if it’s windy, it has strings so you can keep the hat from blowing away by tying the string into a bow under your chin. Well, YOU can tie the string in a bow under YOUR chin, but that is a step too far for me. I prefer to look cool, which is why I lost my first beach hat to a large gust of wind while riding in a boat. The guys in our comic actually WANTED to lose their hats. That was John’s ending, because I am still trying to hold onto my backup beach hat. And one other thing. John’s drawn hat was blue, which is much, much more embarrassing than the hat I wear, which is tan. And tan hats look totally cool, right Stuart? (My older brother-in-law who goes nowhere without the same tan beach hat).

That’s it for this week. Keep your hats on and wear your sun block. We’ll see you next week with two new comics, but we are keeping the subjects under our collective hat.

Andy and John

The evolving bathroom 7/30/21

Frequently, John and I will relate stories from our immediate present or past and then decide it they are comic-worthy or not. Occasionally, an idea happens that is so telegraphic, it doesn’t need any words. Such an idea happened to John and a much shorter colleague he used to work with. If you’re not a guy, you may not be aware that men’s bathrooms have urinals of differing heights. One for kids, one for adults. But there is also an unwritten rule that if more than one guy enters at the same time, whoever enters the bathroom first, goes to the furthest urinal, leaving the closest one open to the last person who comes in. There are other unwritten rules as well. Don’t ever take the urinal directly next to someone peeing, if there are more than two urinals. You leave one in between the two of you for some (imagined) sense of privacy. And then the big rule, don’t ever, ever, look down in the direction of the person standing at the closest urinal to you. Well, this particular comic happened to John and the aforementioned shorter colleague. As it is drawn. John, the significantly taller of the two, was about to pee into the kid’s urinal while his friend had to practically stand on tiptoe to get over the rim of the taller urinal. They broke the rule, took a look at each other, and switched. Wordlessly. Very funny indeed, but with no words to accompany the action, I have nothing to do with the comic except to say, “Funny idea, let’s do it.” So, I will swallow my disappointment on the comic not having any dialogue because, you know, I wouldn’t want to piss all over a great idea.

Second up in your “stream” is about a summer beach house rental that is so “smart” the renters can’t figure out how to use anything. Hint: I am living in such a rental as we speak. First of all is the toaster. It has a name, “June.” No kidding. You put an English muffin in and close the door, and a picture comes up saying “English muffin, two slices.” If you decide to toast on medium, it goes on for 4 minutes. If you don’t think it’s done enough, you push “add 30 seconds,” and after that if you are satisfied, it asks “do you want me to save the longer cooking time?” This impressed me and freaked me out at the same time. Later that same week, I went to reheat a piece of pizza in the same oven, shut the door and it said, “Pizza, one slice, thin crust.” I kid you not. But let’s get to the toilet (jeez, we’ve been speaking a lot about bathrooms today). You walk into the bathroom, and the light goes on. You walk to the toilet and the seat raises automatically. The seat, by the way, is heated. After you go, It rinses and dries your butt for you. And when you stand up again, it flushes and closes the seat for you. I explained all this to John and he said, here’s the ending, “Marv gets so frustrated he wishes he could turn the whole thing off and then, of course, the house is plunged into total darkness.” And we had ourselves another comic. None of this smart tech is an exaggeration. Which leaves me with two thoughts. First, how can I ever come back to my apartment, where you have to estimate how long to toast things all by yourself? Secondly, do you really expect me to lift my own toilet seat after all this???

Only time will tell. We will see you again next week with two new ones and until then, have a wonderful weekend.

Andy and John

The New Reality 05/29/2020

Have you experienced this at the grocery store? You get ready to go, put on your latex gloves (we haven’t used this much latex since college, but that’s another story), slip on your mask, take along your disinfectant wipes and off you go. First anomaly is you get the cart and THEN they have wipes at the front entrance after you’ve already touched the cart. Now okay, we can deal with the one way signs down each aisle and the obvious impossibility of maintaining 6-feet when the person in front of you, mask around his or her chin, is pondering which of 36 varieties of paleo granola to pick. But, then you finally lose your patience and pass them. BUT, and we do mean BUT, the real challenge occurs at the checkout line. Do you think those taped x’s are really 6 feet apart? And is that guy in back of you edging just a little too close? Even that is fine. The real kicker is what we turned into a comic. Andy read that you can pick up the virus when the cashier swipes your credit card through the machine, so he uses his phone and pays in that way. Only problen is A) the phone’s facial recognition feature doesn’t recognize you wearing a mask, requiring him to be one of those aforementioned jerks who proceeds to pull his mask around his chin and B) if the facial recognition still won’t work he now can’t punch in his passcode without first pulling off the damned latex gloves. But you gotta eat, so….

Our second one came from a near mystical experience in Coney Island. Andy decided on his birthday a couple weeks ago to drive down to Brooklyn and walk along the boardwalk. It was a beautiful spring day and he couldn’t pass Stillwell Ave, without getting off the boardwalk and going to Nathan’s. He got the requisite dog and fries and came back to the boardwalk to find a bench facing the ocean, with no one else sitting on it. He carefully pulled out a lysol wipe and wiped the bench down. He unwrapped what is considered the world’s greatest hot dog, and took a bite. It was so good, he closed his eyes and listened to the gentle surf hitting the shore and the sounds of the seagulls. Heaven. Until suddenly some guy comes bounding down the boardwalk blaring rap music from, get this, a boombox! No kidding. Some ear-splitting hip hop dittie about peace, love and understanding. Not really. Anyway, Andy recounted this to John and he said, I got it. Boom boxes and zoom boxes. One thing remains constant. We hate them as much today as we did 30 years ago.

So that’s it for this week. Next week are two goodies about how it feels to get yet another year older and we return to Al’s pizzeria as he considers reopening.

Have a wonderful weekend and if we pass each other, let’s make sure we pull our masks up, okay?

Andy and John