No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. 04/12/24

A couple months ago, my son stayed over for the night. The next day we went for a hike. There are a few beautiful hikes where I live. One is along the Hudson River, so close that you can hear it lapping up against the shoreline. Another is along the Old Croton Aqueduct trail. A former aqueduct that used to carry water from the Croton Aqueduct to New York City is now a spectacular wooded path following the same 26.2 mile route. So we had a couple options for hikes that I knew well.

Did I choose one of those? Noooo. I had the bright idea of going somewhere where the two of us had never been. Near Bear Mountain. We got lost. Waze’s fault, not mine (of course). So we tried Plan B, but the road leading up to the trailhead was closed. By this time it was around 3 pm and the sun set about 5:45 or 6pm. On the way back towards home we spotted a trailhead and parking lot around a small lake. The time was now 3:30. “Ahh hah,” I said. We parked. We looked at the trail map. I said, “Got it. The red trail to the yellow trail and then we head back to the beginning along the blue trail. About 3 miles. Shouldn’t take more than an hour, so we should be back around 4:30, plenty of time before sundown.” Man plans, God laughs. We started off on the red trail, straight uphill. My son was bounding along the rocks hopping over the tree limbs and then would wait patiently for me to catch up. I would reach him trying hard to disguise how heavily I was panting, and then we’d continue. Next the yellow trail, exactly where we suspected it would be. So we continued along it until we found the blue trail. But we never found the blue trail, so we kept going certain it would be right around the next corner. 4 pm came and went. And then the yellow trail ended in a clearing and we had no idea where we were. Oh, and it was now 5pm. And getting darker. And colder. So I pulled out my phone and called 9-1-1. They in turn called the park rangers who told us in no uncertain terms to stand there and don’t move. They said they’d be sending a guy up in an all-terrain vehicle to pick us up and drive us back to the lot. That took until 6:15, in total darkness, and we were both freezing cold. I asked the park ranger what happened to the blue trail sign. He said, “Oh, that’s off to the left of the trail and downhill so a lot of people miss it.” I asked him how many stranded hikers he had to save each year and he said, “About 5 or 6 per week.” Now I’m thinking, “So why don’t you change the freakin’ sign????” But we needed his help to get down the trail so I wisely kept my mouth shut. And did I mention a monster snowstorm was headed to the east coast that night?

I told this story to John and we immediately got this week’s first comic out of it. And rest assured, Al and Joanne eventually make it back safely. We just ran out of frames.

The other comic is about a phrase a lot of young working people use now: Quiet Quitting. Nice alliteration, no? You don’t actually quit your job, you just come in late and leave early and do the least amount of work possible. John related that to a union work slowdown. I related it to the last 40 years of my career.

That’s it for this week. A huge shout out to all our faithful fans and readers. We surpassed 1.1 million viewers who interacted with us on Facebook last month and over 26,000 to our website. Keep spreading the word. Have a great weekend and know that we couldn't do this without you,

Andy and John.

High Finance 04/05/24

No, “high finance” is not some dumb pun about getting high while balancing your checkbook. It’s about how we’re not as smart about our finances as we think we are. At least some of us. At least me. Like when it comes to splitting the dinner check. John and I discussed the many different ways a dinner out can become awkward. You know the drill. Some people have a glass of wine and that’s it. Others start with a cocktail, maybe a second and then ask about splitting a bottle of wine that’s only $105.00. They want to split the check and you are confronted with the following dilemma: do I say something, like “I only had one glass of wine,” and sound like a cheap son-of-a-bitch? Or do I grin and bear it? I choose grin and bear it. I kid you not, I was once at an agency celebration for winning a new account. About 12 of us went to a pizzeria, we ordered a bunch of pies with various toppings and when the check came, somebody said, “I only ordered the plain pie, I don’t see why I have to split evenly with the people who ordered toppings.” This person was summarily shouted down. So that’s one side of the equation. The other side is the people who intentionally (even if it’s not intentionally, it still seems intentional) order the most expensive thing on the menu, knowing the couples will split the check. If you remember Father Guido Sarducci from Saturday Night Live (or SNL for anyone under the age of 50), he once did a hilarious skit about the Last Supper which featured an apostle suggesting that Jesus order the most expensive thing on the menu, a gigantic steak, because everyone is going to split the bill and wind up spending the same amount of shekels. And I’ve been on the other end of the equation where someone says, I only ordered two appetizers, and then want to itemize the entire bill so it comes out fairly. Yes they may end up saving themselves a few shekels, but they’ve lost me as a future dinner companion. Of course there are subtle variations on this theme. Like if you’re the person who ordered the most expensive thing, and then you offer to pay more or to leave the tip and then the other person agrees. Not okay. I mean, you’re just offering so you seem like a good person, but the other person is NEVER supposed to take you up on it.

Okay, I got carried away. The other came out from John’s head, but affects MY apartment, so I immediately related. John and his wife will do bulk shopping at Costco. My wife and I also have close friends who swear by everything Costco. We even have a Costco card because having one enabled my wife to get a big discount on her car lease, believe it or not. But Costco goers of the world, I have something to say to you. If you live in a house, go for it. If you live in an apartment, avoid it like the plague. For instance, we’ve got a refrigerator/freezer combo that divides vertically. Lots of room for the double door fridge, but not so much for the freezer part. It looks like a quarter of the total unit. When you go to Costco, you don’t just buy a package of turkey breasts, you buy the whole freakin’ turkey. What am I supposed to do with the hamburger buns? Chuck them? And paper towels? Costco sells them by the 12-pack. Toilet paper? Anyone for a Charmin Ultra-Soft, mega-roll 12-pack? So the question becomes, would you rather have room to live, or room to store the wonderful bargains you found at Costco? Even though Costco, according to Wirecutter, has the top rated vodka in a blind-taste test, I’m sticking with Tito’s. The liter size.

That’s it for this week. Enjoy the wonderful April weather complete with tornadoes, thunderstorms and tennis ball sized hail. Maybe enjoy the weekend inside. And don’t worry, you’ll have plenty to eat. If you shop at Costco.

Andy and John

Choices. 03/28/24

Do we eat in? Or go out? Do I exercise? Or take a nap? Should I call so and so who I haven’t spoken to in a long time? Or should I wait until tomorrow? Pay the bills? Write that speech? All choices, none of them life or death. And when you get to a certain age you make the choice, chill out at home with my zillions of cable channels and streaming platforms, or babysit for our granddaughter? Now I’ve heard of some people that won’t babysit, even when their kids ask them to. That’s a choice. For my wife and I, when our daughter calls and asks us to babysit our granddaughter, we jump at the chance. She’s very entertaining, and we get to give her back at the end of the day. I’m guessing John feels the same way since he’s jetting off to see his daughter and granddaughter more times than I can count. But what about when something really cool and unexpected befalls you at the last minute. Something you didn’t plan for but are dying to do. Then you’ve got a conundrum. Not really, because if you promised you’d be there, you have to be there. On the other hand, how many more times are you gonna get a chance to see Bruuuuce? A few months ago, my favorite all-time band, Steely Dan, was playing an hour away from me and I asked myself, how many more chances will I get to see them? Either they’ll stop touring or I’ll stop being able to stay up past 11 pm. Point is (is there a point?) if I bought the tickets first and then came the request to babysit, then I’d probably go to the concert or the play, or the game. But if we give our word we’ll be there, then we’ll end up singing “Ricky Don’t Lose That Number” to our grandchild. True story: a relative recently left me her guitar. No sooner did I receive it than I ordered a book of children’s songs. I haven’t played in more than 40 years, but what the hell, Steely Dan here I come. Or at least Peter, Paul and Mary.

Our other topic was again about a choice. Marv made a choice to cook dinner. He also made a choice to not realize he had to first remove the stickers off the onions and peppers before he sliced said onions and peppers. Alright, if you want to get technical about it, he didn’t actually make a choice, he just forgot. In every relationship, people assume certain responsibilities. You cook, I’ll do the dishes. You take out the recycling, I’ll make the bed. The trouble comes when one person tries to do the other person’s task. It inevitably ends up with a “You’re doing it wrong!” kind of reaction. It might be subtle, like when my wife loads the dishwasher and I move the plates and glasses so we can fit more in, or when I make the bed, and she remakes it so it actually looks like it’s made. Oh well, you’ve got to give Marv a hand for at least trying. Don’t you? One of these days John will write the blog and I’ll illustrate the comic. On the other hand, I wouldn't hold your collective breaths.

Have a good weekend and we’ll see you next week.

Andy and John

Deal With It. 03/22/24

Hey, we’re getting older. Things we used to love don’t interest us as much and things we used to not like suddenly become more interesting. Stuff changes. Also we tend to accept our strengths and our weaknesses. For instance, at age 70, I finally realized I’m not going to play shortstop for the Mets. Hell, I couldn't even make shortstop on my intramural softball team, and I was the captain! As for John, despite playing soccer for his college, chances are he’s not playing center-mid for Inter Miami, feeding Messi as he attacks the goal. Ain’t happening. I have friends who love tennis and begrudgingly, they’ve switched to pickle ball. Which gets us around to our Zoom Smile comic. For those of you who have followed the blog you know that both John and I became grandparents in the last couple years. For my wife and me, our granddaughter lights up our world. But we each have out strengths. I’m the funny one who makes her laugh. When it’s time for a hug or she gets a “boo boo,” she runs to grandma. I remember one time she came to visit us. We live in an apartment at the end of a long hallway, perfect for running. If you’re three years old. So our daughter and son-in-law buzz up from the lobby that they’re coming up. My wife and I come out to the hallway and squat down to our granddaughter’s level. She shrieks with joy when she sees us and comes running down the hall. I open my arms in expectation, and she runs right past me to my wife. That’s what happened in real life. In the comic, well, John and I think them up, so the kid smiles for the grandpa. You can’t make this stuff up. Oh wait a minute, we just did.

Our other effort is about March Madness. Both John and I know a lot about sports, different sports but we know about the ones we follow, and neither of us know one solitary thing about men’s college basketball. I used to love it, now, not so much. Alright, I know one thing. I went to grad school at Northwestern and they’re in the NCAA Tournament, otherwise known as March Madness. So when John brought up the fact that our Friday comic would intersect with the beginning of the tournament, I said, “I don’t know a thing about the tournament.” And he replied, “Neither do I.”Perfect. Listen, wherever I’ve worked, they’ve always had a pool in which you fill out the brackets and predict the outcomes of every game in a 64-team tournament about which you know nada (as in not a thing). The odds of getting the whole thing right are astronomical, like a billion to one, but don’t quote me on that. So we just looked for the colleges with the goofiest names to pick for the tourney. Our first idea was to pick Murray State, because we once knew a guy named Murray, but, too bad, they’re playing in a different tournament. We went for Auburn and Drake, because we grew up eating Drake’s Cakes. Now we realize this is only a northeastern thing, but if you never have tasted a Yodel, you’re really missing something. Pro tip: a Yodel must be dunked into a glass of milk. And we ain’t talking soy milk either. But I digress. Stetson University came in a close third, but neither of us looks good in a Stetson hat, so Drake it was. Anyway, enjoy the tournament and the comics and we will leave you with one piece of advice: bet the house on Purdue. No, just kidding. We know nothing about them.

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next week,

John and Andy

Are We Really THAT Old? 03/15/25

Has it really come to this? Writing wills??? Some would say, “Oh, it can wait,” while others among us might say, “Are you crazy? You haven’t done it yet? What’re you waiting for?” If you’ve been with us this long you know our two main couples have remained married through the years. But in order to switch it up and more accurately reflect life, we also have a divorced guy who is a serial dater, Craig, as well as a guy the same age as the rest of them, Sam, who married someone many years his junior, Shellie. He met her on a beach so it’s sorta funny her name is Shellie, get it? But they had a kid, Sammy Jr., and now it’s time for them to write a will so Shellie and Sammy will be protected when the day comes that Sam is no longer with us. Or in legalese, when he predeceases her. What is it with legalese? I suppose it’s meant to be precise so you can’t possibly misinterpret it, but for many of us (at least for John and me) it seems indecipherable (see, lawyers aren’t the only ones who can come up with big words). For instance, let’s say you’re babysitting your granddaughter and she wants a third cookie, when her parents told you (and her) that she was only allowed to have two. The kid bargains for a third cookie, and I imagine I might say something like, “C’mon now, we agreed with mommy and daddy that you can have two. Time for bed.” Followed by a major pout. But if the grandkid wanted to become a lawyer, she might respond, “Grandma and Grandpa, since the size of the cookies were not specifically predetermined, you are not rigidly bound by the doctrine of stare decisis to follow that dictum and therefore departure from that decision is justified (kinda like the Supreme Court did with Roe vs Wade). It doesn’t have to be that complicated. *Thank you to a very talented lawyer, dear friend of too many years to count and faithful reader, Roberta Goodman, who helped make sure that sentence made sense.

Onto the second comic, the one where Al bursts out in song “I don’t care what they say, I won’t stay in a world without love.” This actually happened to John, when he worked in advertising, during a client meeting. And like Al, he got no response. But let John tell it:

Back in my Mad Men days (the advertising career, not the show) I was sitting in yet another boring client meeting. Everyone was discussing recent consumer research findings or the relative merits of end-aisle displays versus floor decals or some such nonsense. I wasn't really paying close attention as I was working on a rather unflattering (but painfully accurate) caricature of one of the more annoying clients. Someone in the room said something that started with "They say that..." and then some gibberish followed about market share, then another piled on with "Well, they say..." and then yet another started their sentence with "They say..." I didn't really care to find out who exactly "they" were but the repetition of the phrase struck me as funny and so I said, "I don't care what they say, I won't stay in a world without love." I expected a few chuckles, maybe a suppressed chortle or two. Possibly even an actual laugh. Instead, the response I got was more akin to the audience's response in Mel Brooks' film "The Producers" after viewing the lavish opening number in "Springtime for Hitler." I sheepishly explained myself by saying, "you know... the song." Then I attempted to sing a bar or two. Crickets. Then everyone went back to the research report and I continued finishing the caricature. A short time later I was moved off the account. Fun times.

I instantly loved his story because it also happens to be something I do all the time. And I mean all the time. Usually in my head, thank goodness. When I’m feeling lonely, Neil Diamond comes up, “I am I said, to no one there…” When someone I’m fond of pisses me off, I go to Hamilton, “I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love." I’m watching the Knicks and it’s John Fogerty “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play.” I’m actually singing this, in my head, to the television. And it doesn’t have to even be a situation. It could just be someone introduces me to their friend Eleanor, and right away it’s off to Beatle land, “Eleanor Rigby,” I cannot help it. And now you know. Yeah, “I’m just a little bit crazy.” The question is: did John realize this quirk about me when he thought up this comic? Hell no. As it happens, he was actually talking about himself!

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next week, but remember, “Every time you go away from me (us), you take a piece of me (us) with you…”

Andy and John

Our Memories Aren't Quite What They Used to...wait what was I saying? 03/08/24

Sometimes we get ideas out of thin air. Mostly from experience. And occasionally, from a reader’s experience. In this case a good buddy of mine, Peter Samberg, an excellent lawyer, has become an adjunct professor of Law at Mercy University, or more accurately, Legal Studies Program Coordinator, Mock Trial (in other words, adjunctpProfessor). He actually made a reference to everybody’s favorite lawyer, Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinny.” As it turns out, Pesci is everybody’s favorite lawyer who is older than 50. I mean c’mon now. who among us doesn’t remember “two yoots?” But in this case, when the good professor brought up a legal argument made in “My Cousin Vinny” he was met with a classroom full of blank stares. I’ve heard that from other adjunct professors I know. Any attempt at a cultural reference that has great meaning to us, has little or no meaning to them. Now to be fair, it works both ways. Case in point, I took my family to see “Hamilton” when it opened. When the epic duel happens, they sing a song “Ten Duel Commandments.” My son calmly turned to me and said, “Oh, he’s riffing off ‘The Ten Crack Commandment’ by the Notorious B.I.G.” Huh? Oh yeah. Of course. I knew that.

Our other effort this week happened when John and I asked each other how many telephone numbers we remember. Not many. And here’s the thing: I have an almost photographic memory for numbers. Before the cell phone became ubiquitous, I worked in a smallish (is that even a word?) ad agency of about 200 or so people. Everybody had a 4-digit extension attached to the agency’s main number. I still remember mine, X 5169. But here’s the thing. I knew almost everyone’s 4 digit extension. Seriously, people would come up to me and ask, “What’s Jessica’s extension?”And I knew. But now, no way. And it’s got nothing to do with aging. For example John and I call each other multiple times each week. Neither of us has any idea what the other guy’s number is. Why? Because of our damn cell phones. There’s no reason to remember anyone’s number. It’s just, “Hey Siri, call John.” But what happens if your cell phone dies? Those same phones give students no real reason to know their times tables in math. “Hey Siri, what’s 12 multiplied by 2?” These are all lost arts. But supposedly when your phone performs all these tasks, it frees your mind up for more conceptual thinking, like “I wonder what I’m gonna make for lunch?” Or “If I leave the house at 3:30 I’ll have plenty of time to get to the dentist’s office for my 4:15.”

Anyway, have a great weekend. I am off for a mid-week golf trip ‘cause that’s what you can do when you stop working a full-time job. I hope I remember my phone.

Andy and John

What to Do When You Have Nothing to Do. 03/01/24

When I was working, I always knew what day it was. I was aware of every upcoming vacation and long weekend because, why not? And because of the 5-day work week, which sometimes stretched into weekends, everything was done on a schedule. Saturday was grocery-day, and most every other errand-day. Which left Sundays for just chillin’. In fact, the first week I stopped working at the end of 2016, I was taking a hike with my wife in the woods on a Saturday and I stopped short and said, “Oh no, I forgot to go grocery shopping.” And she said, “Why not go on Monday?” My shoulders instantly relaxed and I started to enjoy my new reality, which is really nice, except for the lack of steady income part. Now, forget about it, Or as they say in New Yawk, fuhgeddaboudit. I do things like ride a bike on a bike path or play golf or go grocery shopping on a weekday because all those activities are much less crowded. So when John pointed out it was a leap year, we imagined what the guys would do with the extra day. The fact that it came up on a Thursday meant it was gonna be nothing out of the ordinary. I thought maybe read a book, John thought about buying socks, and a comic was born (although I had to point out that the best sock buying is done on the internet — Bombas, in case you had any doubt).

One thing we all do more of on a weeknight basis is go out to dinner. If you notice, every cool restaurant has hard surfaces. No carpeting on the floors, no sound-absorbing tiles on the ceilings, no curtains or drapes on the windows. Nothing. The reason is when you walk in, it sounds like a big party. You’re supposed to think, “Wow everyone is having a great time! What a cool place!” But after a certain age, you think, ”I can’t hear a damned thing!” If I’m being honest, I have to tell you that some places I loved in the past I like a little less now, because it’s so hard to hear and to be heard. We still go to them anyway, because we like the food and the atmosphere, it’s just…

But while we can tolerate the noise (somewhat), sometimes there’s that one table, or that one person at that one table, who crosses the line. Work parties are the worst. You can spot them a mile away. They’re on the 3rd round of drinks and they shout inside info kind of stuff that everyone at the table finds hysterically funny, then they throw their collective heads back and bray like donkeys. Seinfeld-level dialogue it’s not. Stuff like, “Remember when Chris showed up late to that strategy meeting and thought we were talking about finance instead??!!” Or, “Who can forget the time Kevin brought in bagels for a weekend meeting and forgot to bring a gluten-free bagel for Cynthia? I thought she was going to kill him!!!!” Funny stuff indeed. I don’t mind the lame attempts at humor as much as the loud laughter. But the thing that really gets both John and me is when someone at the next table has an incredibly loud, nails-on-the-blackboard laugh. It sneaks up on you. At first you’re thinking, “Geez, it’s loud in here,” and you look around. Then you spot the culprit, “It’s that table to my left.” And then you zero in and see it’s that guy (or in the case of our comic, that lady) at that table who just throws his/her head back and bellows in a completely unnecessarily loud voice. That’s bad enough when you notice it. But what’s worse is when you point it out to your dinner companion (“See that lady over there…?”) Yes, you’ve unburdened yourself, but now you’ve made the meal unbearable for your partner as well. Guilty as charged, by the way. But as Erich Segal said in the film “Love Story,” “Love means never having to say you’re sorry (although I must say, that never works on my wife).

Have a great weekend (see, we just leapt right over Leap Year) and we’ll see you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

There's No Accounting for Some People

I’m sure we’ve all been through some form or other of changing the “experts” we’ve come to depend on in our lives. Many of us inherit a doctor, lawyer, dentist, real estate agent, insurance agent, stock broker, financial analyst, etc, because these were the same people that helped our parents. The thinking goes, “If they were good enough for mom and dad, well then they’re good enough for me.” Except when they’re not. Case in point, some 40 years ago I was helping an older relative move. When somehow the expected windfall from selling her apartment wasn’t nearly as large as she thought it would be, I asked her what happened? She replied that her accountant (also her parent’s old accountant, emphasis on the “old”) named Harry Hammer was no longer with us. Why I remember his name, I do not know. Anyway, Harry had died and so she had nobody to prepare her income taxes. I inquired if she knew how long ago he died, and she calmly told me, “I think it was about 10 years.” Turns out she was right. You ever hear that commercial where the announcer says, “Be afraid of the IRS. Be very afraid?” I think it’s for Optima Tax Relief. The point they were making was you needn't be afraid because you have Optima. Well my relative didn’t have Optima or Harry, so… Things worked out in the end, and now, 40 years later, we can laugh about it and so can you with our first comic.

The next one was also based on reality. How many of you were little kids and witnessed your mom and dad lying in order to get away with something? My dad said I was 5 when they let kids 5 and under go free to the movies. He also said I was 14 (I was 12) when he took me to a James Bond movie that said you had to be at least 13 (PG-13 ratings didn’t become official until the 1980’s when I was substantially older than 13). Morally I was bothered by him telling the usher I was 5 when I was almost 6 3/4, but when it came to being told I was older than I actually was, well, that was cool. On one hand you think, “What kind of message am I giving my kids?” when on the other it’s “Ooh, maybe I could save five bucks.” So I made a point never to do that with my kids (who by the way are a little closer now to a senior discount than they are to being 5). Should you cheat in order to gain an edge or should you always do the right thing? The answer seems obvious. But I remember having this exact moral dilemma on an almost daily basis back in 1974. I was a junior in college, taking a semester abroad in London. My routine was the same every weekday when class was in session. I would get up, have breakfast and run to the subway (tube) stop where I was invariably late. In the station was a newsstand from which I bought the International Herald Tribune every morning. Remember the Trib? Remember newspapers? Anyway, if I was late, I would sometimes leap the turnstiles in order to catch the train. But on my way to the turnstile was this newsstand and the guy who worked there was blind. I would never cheat him. Ever. Even if it meant missing the train. And then it occurred to me, why did I think it was okay to hop the turnstile but not to cheat a blind man? And I guess the answer is because the London Transit Authority, actually called TfL (Transit for London) was a faceless entity where the newsman had a face I could see every morning. By the way the TfL is currently on strike, inconveniencing millions of Londoners so screw ‘em. Not really.

My wife and I had an incident with our then 2 year old granddaughter last Memorial Day. We took her to the local amusement park, Playland. She had her heart set on riding the carousel, which she called, “The Up Down.” When we got to the ride, it turned out she didn’t reach the red line over her head and the ticket taker refused to let her on, which resulted in tears. You can’t lie about height. But maybe the next time we go, we’ll get her some high-heeled sneakers.

Our advice is: When you take a child or grandchild to the movies, pay up and tell the truth. Or better yet, stream the damn movie at home. Have an excellent weekend and we will be back next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Cauliflower is Cauliflower. 02/16/24

There is cauliflower rice, cauliflower pizza crust and, I swear, I just saw this on the menu of an Italian restaurant we love: cauliflower pasta. The latter is not a dish of pasta with cauliflower on top, it’s pasta made out of cauliflower. Now I realize that this is a most versatile vegetable, but don’t try and fool me into thinking it tastes like rice. It doesn’t. Don’t try to tell me it tastes like a pizza crust. It doesn't. Although I must admit the pasta was the only CS (Cauliflower Substitute) that tasted remotely like pasta. The point is that, no surprise, any CS food tastes like C, so why bother adding another modifier? And if you really think about it (clearly I have been thinking about it wayyy too much), don’t you worry (even just a little bit) that you’re hurting cauliflower’s feelings? It’s like we’re saying to every head of cauliflower out there, you’re not good enough the way you are. You have to disguise yourself, because we don’t like you. But you know what? Cauliflower has the last laugh. ‘Cause no matter how you try to dress it up, it refuses to give up its real identity. In fact, I’m going to have a real piece of cauliflower right now…not really. True story: just days after John and I came up with this comic, my wife gave me a Valentine’s Day card in which the wife makes her husband a veggie sandwich and upon giving it to him she says, “I made this with an extra-special ingredient, love.” Then you open up the card and the husband has a thought bubble, “I was really hoping it was bacon.”

Our other comic deals with Oscar Streaming. That’s right. If you time it properly, you can stream every category in advance of the actual show. You can stream, “Oscar-nominated animated shorts” which is not a brand of wrinkle-free golf shorts but rather a compilation of every animated short film up for an Oscar. If you are an insomniac or find yourself addicted to ambien, this is a very safe, drug-free way to ensure a full night’s sleep. Maybe you want to catch up on “Best Adapted Screenplay,” or “Best Cinematography.” Who doesn't want to watch six or seven films celebrated for their lighting and camera angles?” C’mon, don’t be a philistine. The Oscars are one of the few shows, that aren’t NFL games, that get big ratings. 93 out of the top 100-rated TV shows last year were NFL games. Me? I prefer to read on the couch while my wife watches and then snap to attention when the big categories come up. Or when Will Smith decides to slap Chris Rock in the face. Why do I even bother watching? The same reason my wife sat dutifully through the first half of the Super Bowl with me and our son, up through the halftime show, and snapped to attention with every touchdown or spectacular play. Which means she thinks about football the way I think about watching the “Best Sound Editing” category, which is distinct from “Best Sound Mixing.” You wouldn’t want to miss that one. John and I figured, if you start now, you might get to see everything that’s nominated before the big show in March. If nothing else, it’s a great opportunity to catch up on your sleep.

See you next week,

Andy and John

You Can't Fool Me (or maybe you can) 02/09/24

“Mother, make it stop! He’s trying to kill me.” If you’re old enough to subscribe to this comic, you’re old enough to know where that quote came from, The Exorcist. I saw that as a college kid in St. Louis, Mo., and I’ve never been so scared in my life. But the same feeling can apply to the current political season and its unending stream of emails asking for donations. Today’s comic is the last in the three-part series about unsubscribing, but as you well know, once you’ve successfully unsubscribed from one email address, you get hit with another. And another. And still another. You also get hit with three comics on the same subject, but this is our last one on it. We promise. At least for now.

Our other comic is about how we use “company coming over” as a lever to get things done. Why is a loosely made bed okay most of the time but when company comes over, the sheets have to be tucked in, hospital corner style, and on top of the neatly stacked pillows…go throw pillows. I once was a creative director on Swiffer. And my favorite team came up with an online idea about how to clean up the house featuring a cranky old man (I hope they weren't using me or my partner as inspiration), but anyway the guy comes up to a couch covered in throw pillows and he says, “Ya know why they call them throw pillows? ‘Cause they’re meant to be thrown.” And with that he takes his arm and sweeps them all onto the ground.

It’s ridiculous but it’s true. We treat our company much better than we treat ourselves. We use the “good silverware,” and the “good china,” and put out the “good placemats,” and “good napkins,” with a pretty flower arrangement and a soundtrack of jazz or classical music playing softly in the background. And oh, don’t forget the candles or the wine we save for “special occasions.”

But there’s another, more subtle way we use an upcoming party to manipulate our significant others. It’s a great way to get stuff done. Remember those shelves you meant to put up in the bathroom? The walls you were going to paint? The leaves you were going to rake? That pile of bills stacked up on the kitchen counter? There’s nothing like the promise (or threat) of company coming over to get you to clean it the hell up. I feel compelled at this moment to point out that John is very handy and is constantly taking on projects while I, well, am Jewish. Which means I call the super.

That’s it for this week and for our Unsubscribe Series. We’ll see you next week with two new ones, hot off the press (does anybody say hot off the press anymore?).

Andy and John

We will never leave you alone, ever.

You’d think I’d learn by now. But nooooo. I get so many political emails each day, I get overwhelmed. They start by asking an innocuous question about where I stand on a particular issue. Then I naively answer. And up comes a donation box telling me that if I could just give as little as $5.00, I can both save the country AND my donation will be TRIPLED, but only if I act before midnight. So I leave the money, and the very next day I’m asked for more. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But what happens if you try to fool me 13 times a week and twice on Sundays?

This is why God invented the “unsubscribe” button. You’d think it would be so easy to stop receiving these emails, but clearly it’s not. They ask you why. It’s like an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend you broke up with asking “But why?” Unfortunately the website unsubscribe choices don’t include any of the easy outs, like “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “I don’t deserve you,” or as an ex once said to me when I was trying to win my way back into her graces, “You wouldn't like me anymore.” No instead you are just faced with the brutal truth: “The ads are annoying,” “Too many ads,” “Subject matter not interesting,” etc. Think of saying that to an ex. “You’re annoying,” “You’re always bothering me,” “I am not interested in anything you have to say.” So I end up feeling sorry for the damn pollsters or whoever it is that keeps bothering me. When they ask, “Are you sure?” Or “Won’t you reconsider?” or, “What happened?” I often break down and stop going through with the unsubscribe. And is that even a word?

There’s also this: the more steps they make you go through in order to unsubscribe, the more likely you are to say, “The hell with it!” and stop answering their endless questions and, therefore, refrain from unsubscribing. I prefer the websites that go out with a touch of class. You know them. They’re the ones that just immediately answer you back with a “You have successfully unsubscribed. Sorry to see you go.”

Consider this classy way I once handled a rare New 60 unsubscribe. It was from a former fan who told me she could make the strip into an animated cartoon on tv. She tried but was not successful. A couple months later I saw she had unsubscribed. And I responded with class, the way I’d like to be treated when I unsubscribe. I simply, classily replied, “What the !*?!@.”

As we move into February it’s staying light outside a little longer and spring will get here one of these days. We will see you again next week with the final installment in the Unsub Series and a quick trip to the land of home improvement. Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

The Eyes Have It. 01/26/24

As we get older, or at least as I get older, my mental perception of myself is slow to catch up with reality. Point in case: my wife and I moved into a new apartment building almost 10 years ago. Everyone in the building was new since it was just built. They had a welcoming party in the clubhouse. And when we walked in, we said to each other, “My God, everyone looks so old,” without considering what WE looked like to THEM. One of the first comics we ever ran featured a youthful Al in his 60’s retying his shoe laces on a park bench, so he could continue his jog. A 90 year old man sat on the bench and admonishes Al, “People our age shouldn't be running.” Our age? Truth is, I’m five years older than John. I’m 70 and he’s 65. When I say to him, “...people our age,” I’m flattering myself and perhaps annoying him. When he says to me, “…people our age,” I am flattered, although now that I’ve mentioned it in this blog, I’m reasonably sure he won’t ever say it again. Don’t get me wrong, there’s wonderful things about getting older, grandchildren, deepening relationships (I now notice that my closest friends and I frequently say “I love you” while saying goodbye) but there’s also, well, getting older. About a couple months ago I was entering a restaurant for lunch. In front of me was this older couple. The husband was helping his wife who was bent over her walker at a 90 degree angle much like the man in our comic. With every step she said, “Oww, oww, oww.” My first thought was: “If I ever get like that, please kill me.” But my next thought was, “Let me help.” So I trotted past them to hold the door open and then again to hold the inner door. This lies in sharp contrast with my doppelgänger, Larry David (people are always saying, “you know who you look like?”), was stuck behind a slow-moving man in a hospital and Larry wanted to go to the bathroom. Badly. So he scooted around the guy, got to the bathroom first and shut the door in the poor man’s face. But I digress. Again. The point is that I referenced my restaurant experience to John and he immediately saw the glass as half full. He said, “At least she probably finds a lot of loose change,” and bingo, a new comic was born.

Our other comic, which is accompanied by a video bonbon, was inspired by our expanding fan base. We’d like to give a shout out to our new business partner extraordinaire, Jesse Samberg, who, in his 36-year-old wisdom, figured out how to get more AlterCocker’s involved (for those of you not fluent in Yiddish, it loosely translates into “old fart”). In addition to some great fan mail (thank you kindly for that) we also got a couple critiques. They can be summarized by the following phrase: “The type is kinda small!” One suggestion is if you’re reading it on your phone, turn the phone sideways, then spread the individual frames wider with your fingers. Another option is to read the comics on your laptop or tablet. Or watch John’s video which we posted today on Facebook and hopefully on our website if I can figure out how to download (or is it upload?) the damn thing. John and I both love language so we tend to be a little wordier than a lot of other comic strips. We also love combining words into one frame so we can have a frame of blank stares, as if the characters are responding to one of their own, with a “What did you just say?” look. In comedy, it's called a "beat." It gives the characters in the comic (and the reader) a moment to react to whatever was just said. See that? You just learned some comedy terminology. Feel free to sprinkle "beat" into your daily conversation to impress your comedy-loving friends.

That said, have a terrific weekend, and if you still can’t read the type, take a beat (see what we did there?) and stop into our local CVS for a pair of reading glasses.

See you next week,

Andy and John.

The more Things Change... 01/18/24

Sometimes we pull comic ideas out of thin air. Sometimes we get them from things that happen in our own lives. And sometimes from things we observe. This one happened right in front of my eyes. There I was on a Saturday, one day before the end of the regular NFL season. We live with an open kitchen design, so the “living room” and “kitchen” are just sort of one big open space divided by a counter. Consequently, when I watch football and my wife invites two of her closest friends over to bake for a party we’ve been invited to, somebody is going to be inconvenienced. A few polite “Honey, could you turn that down” requests from my wife later, I retorted with one of my patented comebacks, “I happen to know you can hardly hear the tv. You know how I know? Because I can hardly hear the tv!” Unlike Sam in the comic, I did not end up in the bedroom watching the game on my phone. That was John’s brilliant invention. Nope. I held firm and watched in the living room. So, I could still see the game. I just couldn't hear the game. Ahh, the art of compromise.

And now about the New Year’s resolution. If you watch any amount of television, and remember, John and I spent almost 40 years apiece creating television commercials (this was before the days when people could fast forward past said commercials) you will notice that they are all for diet pills, diet programs, and most of all, gym memberships. Planet Fitness and Crunch Fitness come to mind. If the gym has enough treadmills, ellipticals, bikes and weight machines for say 100 people, they sell maybe 200 memberships. This is because they know full well that the gym will be crowded in the beginning of January with all those people swearing they’ll stick to a routine “this time,” while knowing full well that most people will come in, have to wait for a machine to free up, and then go home frustrated, never to come back again. So, by February the place is down to the 50 or 60 regulars who always go to the gym. A couple days ago, I went to my gym. Two people were together, approaching the lat pulldown machine that I wanted to use. It’s January, what did I expect? Anyway, the two people approaching the machine consisted of a thin man and a guy with a large pot belly. The thin guy sat down at the lat machine while the pot-bellied guy gave him instructions. Yes, that’s right, he turned out to be his trainer! Oh well, it’ll be February soon enough.

Have a nice weekend and we will see you next week, as they used to say on Batman, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.

Andy and John

Why the Hell you Gotta Make Things so Complicated? 01/12/24

What do we do when we start yet another year? If you’re like us you probably have a list of things to do. Maybe some new things, Maybe some things that you didn’t get to last year. Maybe some things that you still haven’t gotten to since 2022. But where do you draw the line? Is it planting the mini vegetable garden on the deck of the apartment you moved into back in 2014? No. If you haven’t gotten to it in 10 years, chances are you’re not getting to it, period. At least I’m not. But I thought, at least in this blog, what are the things I’m most likely NOT GETTING TO in 2024. This is a way I devised to save myself the internal pain of feeling as if I failed, if only because I promised myself I’d definitely get to this particular thing in this particular year. Case in point: my wife and I are planning a trip with friends to Greece in May. I promised to myself, I’m going to learn to speak enough Greek to get by when we’re touring the Greek islands. So I took matters into my own hands on January 2nd. Truth. I looked up the website, Babbel.com. You’ve heard the ads. They make it sound like the learning is fun. So I went on the website, and guess what language they don’t offer? You got it. Greek. Now you think it’d be easy to just look up another company that does essentially the same thing like Rosetta Stone, for example. They have exactly four choices: Spanish, French, Italian and something called “all 25 languages.” I don’t want all 25 languages. I just want Greek, and only for a few weeks at that. I want to know how to say, “…a crisp white wine and a Greek salad please.” Or, “Which way is the beach?” But chances are they will understand me better in English than in my poor attempt at Greek, so why bother? Okay that’s one off the list. See how easy this is? But before I go to the subject of our other comic, a quick story: I’m a young man in Paris. I walk into a bakery, or “patisserie,” in case you haven’t taken the Babbel course in French. I want to ask, “how much is this Napoleon?” I start by saying “Comment est la…” to which the surly French counterwoman replies, “How much is what?” “Uhh, I reply, that Napoleon,” She shoots back, “It’s called a mille feuillle, and for a nice Jewish boy like you, five francs.” For the non-Babbel taking folks among us, mille feuille translates roughly into “a thousand leaves,” which refers to the layer-upon-layer of puff pastry. But what I said was: “How do you know I’m Jewish,” too which she replied with a hearty laugh, “Ohh c’mon, your face looks like the map of Tel Aviv.”

And now onto our other comic, in which Marv gets duped into thinking he has to perform a ridiculous act in order to get his microchip-enabled credit card to actually work. Now a certain cousin of mine (names withheld to protect the innocent) repeated a joke he heard, thinking it would make a good comic. In it, the cashier tells the confused customer the proper way to insert his credit card into the machine. “Strip down and turn around,” she says, referring to the credit card. To which the befuddled customer turns around and starts taking his pants off. I repeated this to John who thought nobody would be that naive. So he came back with, “Turn around and say “Mother may I?” I thought nobody would be that naive either. Until Marv catches himself in mid-sentence and realizes he’s being had. Bingo! A new comic was born. But why is it that the more advanced everything becomes the more complicated it gets. Contactless credit cards, 5K televisions (when is the last time you tried turning on a tv in somebody else’s apartment or even in a freakin’ hotel room? It’s hard.) Oh, and if you ever decide to go green and get an electric car one day (I did in 2023) have fun trying to plug it in when you’re in an unfamiliar location, in the rain, while frantically downloading the instructions on your cell phone. How does an EV Connect plug differ from a Blink plug and what about Volta? And who the hell cares. I’m pretty certain you don’t so it’s time to put this blog to bed. Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next week. Same time, same place.

Andy and John

Happy New Year (unless you're a NY Football Fan). 01/05/24

Another year, another year older. As we head into 2024 (seriously???) I’m reminded of all the preseason predictions about the NY football teams. And no, wise guys, I’m not talking about the Buffalo Bills, the only team that actually plays in New York, I’m talking about the Jets and, sadly, the Giants. All summer I was listening to predictions that the Jets would play in the Super Bowl. It didn’t quite work out that way, but just when I had enough ammo to mercilessly tease my Jets fan friends, the Giants would happen to play actually worse!!! Here’s how crazy I am. While vacationing in Tokyo, Japan, my wife and our travel companions decided to take the last day to go shopping. I stayed back at the hotel, laptop in hand, and watched the entire Giants-Jets game back at the hotel on my iPad. Pro tip: you can watch any game in total on an app called DAZN. It includes a free week, so I subscribed, watched, and then unsubscribed all in a week’s time. Oh, did I forget to mention that the Jets actually beat the Giants in overtime in one of the worst football games ever played? So Jets fans, including John, your team sucks! But not as bad as ours.

And for the sizable portion of our fan base that doesn't give a damn about sports (including, but not limited to, my wife) we did another comic wishing you a Happy New Year. Another comic about fighting off the urge to go to bed by 10:30 and forcing yourself to keep your eyes open until midnight. There are several ways to keep yourself awake at night. One is to avoid stuffing yourself with prodigious quantities of food and washing it down with prodigious quantities of alcohol, but what fun is that? Another is to give yourself the privilege of an afternoon nap the day of the New Year’s Eve party. That should not be a guilty pleasure. It should just be pleasure, period. I slow down almost every day between 3:00 and 4:00 pm. I do this now that I’m retired but I did it while I worked as well. Even, I’m told, during meetings. But I wouldn’t know. I was napping.

See you next week,

John and Andy

On Christmas CleanUp and Christmas Miracles 12/29/23

Christmas is great. The kids (if you’re in our age range, they’re not exactly kids anymore, in fact, some of them have kids) gather around, open their presents, pretend to like them, as the little kids tear open their gifts leaving a treacherous path of cardboard, ribbons and that all time gift meant for causing excruciating pain when you step on them, Lego’s. This is where I believe Chanukah has a distinct advantage. The presents are spread over 8 nights, so it’s like, “Okay, it’s the first night, so let’s light the candle and all open our one present for the night.” To put it in Christmas terms, it’s like 7 nights of stocking stuffers and then one night of the good stuff, like Lego’s. Another Chanukah advantage is that the whole family doesn't descend on you at once. Uncle Harry can come over on Wednesday, while Aunt Marge can make it on Thursday, etc. You tend not to get overwhelmed by either presents or relatives. Then there are the blended families. The ones who celebrate both Christmas and Chanukah. Who have the tree and the menorah. They have the one crazy day of overindulgence PLUS eight more. I guess what we’re trying to say is Happy Holidays.

Okay so what about the other comic? While I claim to be an adventurous eater, I have my limits. A couple weeks ago I went to a Japanese yakitori restaurant that serves every part of a chicken on skewers. And I mean every part. I ate the heart and the gizzard but drew the line at eating chicken testicles. I kid you not. John is, I’d say, more adventurous (except when it comes to peas). He mentioned liking Ethiopian food. Not me. I remember a few decades back when one of my two brothers-in-laws, the same guy who wanted to visit Bhutan, took us out for Ethiopian food when he lived in Washington D.C. We sat cross-legged on the floor and the server placed a huge metal sheet, much like the pan a large pizza comes on when you order it in a restaurant, and on it was this thin, soggy, doughy piece of injera (which is Ethiopian for bread). I remarked to the waitress that we had no silverware. She patiently explained that we are supposed to eat with our hands. That is, you take the platters of steaming vegetables in some type of spiced tomato sauce, tear off a piece of soggy injera, pick said veggies up and wrap them inside your piece of injera, and eat. Yum, except if you don’t care for vegetable stew. Suffice it to say, if you, dear readers want to go to an Ethiopian restaurant, go with John. If it’s pizza, I’m your man. But I will admit, Ethiopian restaurants do tend to be inexpensive. So when John pitched an idea about going out for a cheap, Ethiopian meal, I told him I had recently gone out for an inexpensive meal of pizza and salad to share with my wife and son. I parked at the end of the block, behind the last metered space. And when I returned to my car, I found a $50 ticket on my windshield. (Side note: I wrote the town judge a letter about how I shouldn’t be penalized for trying to support the local economy and he cut the fine to $25). Which is a roundabout way of saying we combined the inexpensive Ethiopian meal with the expensive parking ticket and bingo, we had our next comic.

And that’s the way it happens. Sometimes we dream up ideas out of thin air, and sometimes it’s about what happens in either or both of our lives, with a healthy dose of poetic license thrown in. Have a great last weekend of 2023 and when you’re cleaning up the toys, please wear a thick pair of shoes.

Happy Holidays,

Andy and John

HoHoHo. 12/22/23

The holidays are upon us. The time for buying gifts in impossibly overcrowded stores, putting said gifts together, admiring the gifts you receive and the gifts others have received, and if the recipient of one of your gifts is young enough, playing the gift with them. Now Al (like John) is a model train enthusiast. And he loves playing with his grandson Billy. For me, playing with an already set up train system is lots of fun. Setting it up and then putting it away…not so much. Let’s face it, you’re either a collector or a chuck-it-outer. Collector types love stamps, coins, past issues of cooking magazines they save “just in case” they want to make that recipe that seemed so delectable. Now where was it again? Or what was it again? And which month? Which year? I had a friend who was a collector. He had a model train set with so many pieces, he could have set up a track big enough to fill a convention hall. Okay, I’m exaggerating. A little. Me? Those zillions of baseball cards jammed into shoe boxes, those hundreds of LP’s warping in cardboard wine boxes in our old basement, they could have been worth…nothing. Because I didn’t keep them in “mint condition.” I just kept them. But back to Billy and Al, they bond over trains and will continue to do so, as soon as Billy removes the damn candy wrapper from the tunnel.

And onto Santa Marv. At what age do you stop believing in Santa? For me it was easy. I’m Jewish so we never believed in him in the first place. But it took my kids until around 7 to stop believing in the Tooth Fairy. Listen. Kids are smart. And they know how to get what they want. They’ll drop a hint (or a couple thousand hints) about what they’d like and then put up with almost anything to get them. When you compare sitting on a complete stranger’s lap in a department store with sitting on Grandpa Marv’s lap at home, the choice is easy. The kids (or grandkids) will put up with aunts and uncles telling them how cute they are while pinching their cheeks, to the constant exclamations of “my, how you’ve grown,” as long as they can get their hands on a Malibu Barbie or, for that matter, a model train set. All aboard!

Have a great Christmas and/or Holiday season,

Andy and John

What Will They Think of Next? 12/15/23

Is it just me or does that tinny sound of music and/or dialogue emanating from a cell phone user looking at Instagram (or Insta, if you're young and hip) drive you up the wall? It is like the proverbial sound of chalk screeching on a blackboard to yours truly. Usually we change names in this strip to protect the innocent. In this one we changed sexes. Hint: I am not the one listening to Instagram in the car, at home, etc., but a certain person of female persuasion who lives with me may, perhaps, be guilty. At least sometimes. The thing is, I’m not on the phone very much. Perhaps it’s because very few people ever pick up the phone to call me. But that’s for another blog. This is about cell phones in general and Insta in particular. People love to complain about them but are still accessing them 24/7. For instance, John, who came up with the piano-playing pig, knows enough about Instagram to make me suspect he’s a big user, if not, gasp, a person who posts. Although I did meet his old dog Carlos who definitely did not know how to play the piano, or a violin for that matter.

Now in all fairness I have to admit to this related incident: My wife and I went to a comedy show with some friends featuring Brett Goldstein. Who’s that you ask? He was Roy '“Fucking” Kent in the Ted Lasso series. A gruff guy who peppered the f-word into nearly every sentence, even when talking to a child. Child: “Can I have a cookie?” Roy: “Get it your fucking self.” I made that one up, but it’s pretty close to what he’d say. Anyway we’re at the comedy show in a crowded theater and every time there’s a little bit of quiet, I hear these people chatting. I looked behind me and in front of me thinking, who the hell is that? When, after at least a half-hour, I realized the talking was coming from my pocket. Yes that’s right, I had been listening to a podcast in the car on the way tho the show and it was still playing as I sat in the audience. This meant I had to remove the phone from my pocket in order to silence it. But in so removing said phone, I revealed who the asshole was who wouldn't stop talking during the performance. Heads turned and shot me evil glances as I sheepishly held me hand up to say, “sorry, won’t happen again, mumble, mumble, mumble.” Anyway, as Roy Kent might put it, the rest of the show was pretty fucking unbelievable.

And onto to the holidays. Most of us have experienced them as children, as parents and even as grandparents. And we get it, kids want the latest thing. In the past there have been pet rocks, chia pets, Chatty Cathy (pull the string and she says, “I love you,)” Beanie Babies, My Little Ponies, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and also on. (I purposely left out Barbie because, let’s face it, she’s gotten enough coverage this year). So John and I went back and forth, making up some ridiculous ideas for toys. A Vladimir Putin bobblehead, a dog that actually poops and then John just threw out from nowhere, “How about Bronto the Barfing Dinosaur with 8 assorted vomit packs?” I couldn’t stop laughing and that was our comic. What more did you need? What more can I say?

Happy Holidays and we will see you next week with two new holiday-themed goodies. Until then, stay well and don’t go to the toy store looking for Bronto the Barfing Dinosaur with 8 assorted packs. They’ve been sold out, like, forever.

Andy and John

New Tastes. 12/08/23

In a sense, Christopher Columbus was right about the world being flat. Although there is some controversy about whether or not he thought that, let’s just say it’s true. This is a blog, not a history lesson. So that’s established. The world is flat. Or at least getting flatter. Flatter in the sense that new cultures and new tastes keep intermingling and intermarrying, and intercooking (is that even a word?) with increasing frequency. Add to that the ability to instantly communicate with anyone, at any time and you can see why we have so many wild new combinations of ideas and of food. Like avocado sorbet. 50 years ago, I would never have dreamed of eating raw fish. Then about 20 years ago I went to a Michelin-starred sushi restaurant in Madrid, Spain. After a lot of delicious pieces of tuna and yellowtail and sea bream came a, drumroll please, cheeseburger on rice. Yes you read that right. They grilled a piece of hamburger into a shape that would fit perfectly onto a sushi-size bed of rice. It was delicious, but I did get a little embarrassed asking for soy-sauce-sized-saucer of ketchup. Both John and I are open to different culinary experiences. Except for pumpkin spice lattes. Who knows, they might even be delicious, but the ads, OMG. They don’t stop. If you listen to the Wendy’s ad for their Pumpkin Spice Frosty (and could someone please tell that oh-so-hip announcer that the chain is pronounced Wendy’s and not Windy’s) pay special attention to the disclaimer at the end, spoken at the speed of light. He says something like, “Pumpkin Spice Frosties are available for a limited time during which Vanilla Frosties will not be available.” Say what? I guess they have only two Frosty dispensers and are willing to sacrifice the vanilla for holiday season, but not the chocolate. These are the same Frostiss that people in commercials eat by dipping french fries into them. But I digress. I don’t like Pumpkin Spice and I do like vanilla, so I waited for Thanksgiving to be over and for vanilla to make its triumphant return, but not so fast. Make way for the Christmas season, where in addition to the Pretzel Baconator comes, ta da, the Peppermint Frosty! And while I still miss vanilla, it gave us the impetus for one of this week’s comics. True story: John and I worked in an ad agency that had the Wendy’s account. And we both are friends with a guy who was hired to be the voice of the baconator on social media. Truth. And the funniest thing is, he’s a vegetarian.

Okay, so what about the other comic? It has to do with food, without being about food. I will explain by example. A couple months ago, my wife and I attended a Steely Dan concert in an arena. It started at 7:30 and we wanted to get something to eat before. So we went to a concession stand and here was the scene: A couple people were working the grill, cooking up burgers, veggie burgers and chicken to use in various sandwiches. When they were finished with a particular patty they wrapped in up in tin foil and placed it under a heat lamp. I’ll bet your mouth is watering already. You want condiments? Go to the condiment table where there were individual packets of mustard, mayo and ketchup. Napkins, same table, where you pulled them one at a time from a dispenser. Drinks? Over there in the refrigerated case. Sodas, beers, wine in cans, water, etc. Finally, when you’ve finished with all of that, you approach another table where a cashier is standing. He or she punches the prices into a card reader, turns it towards you and you tap your card. Here’s where the fun part comes in. The machine asks if you want to tip 15%, 20%, 22% or “custom amount.” If you pay nothing, because they didn't actually serve you, you turn the machine back towards them and they know you’re a cheap jerk. So I put in a “custom tip” of 10%. You usually tip for service but suddenly, now, you’re expected to tip for…what exactly? My cynical mind thinks I’m tipping because theses companies don’t pay their employees enough in the first place. I mean, when you ask somebody “Can you tell me where the condiments are,” and the response is a no eye-contact point of the thumb, is that really service? And now you see it all over at fast food restaurants, Dunkin’, even Starbucks. The tip is rarely commensurate with the service received, unless of course, some barista is pouring you a peppermint latte.

Happy Holidays,

Andy and John

He Said, She Said. 12/01/23

There is a saying that you should write about what you know. And in general, we stick to that. We once had a fan letter from a guy who said he loved the characters, but suggested we insert a gay character as well. And while we agree (we did introduce a married, gay brother-in-law to Al’s family for a couple of story lines) we try to approach the comic from our perspective, the perspective of hetero white males in their 60’s. What’s that? Yeah okay, I’m 70 (but John’s still a young whippersnapper at 65). And it shows up when we tackle a subject like being transgender. We approach it with the confusion that many people have in their 60’s (and 70’s) regarding their understanding of the trans community. In last week’s blog we talked about how advertising reflects the changing mores of our times. We look back on ads showing doctors in white coats smoking Camels and think, what were they thinking?? What will people think 30 to 40 years from now when they look at our communications today? And I bet one thing that will look naive is our belief that there are only two genders. That you are born one way and that’s the way you should stay. In any event, we hope you look at this comic in the way that our characters look at it: trying to understand and ultimately accept the complexities of life today through the prism of their own experiences. Hence the last line, “I guess Phil lucked out on not having to pay for the wedding.” And now, pardon the pun, let’s transition to our other comic, a dog getting a CAT scan.

Listen, I know people love their pets so much they tend to humanize them. I have a neighbor who calls down the hallway for her dog, “C’mere baby girl.” I have another friend who picks her dog up so it doesn't have to walk on pebbles. Another who has an actual down-stuffed windbreaker that covers the length of the dog’s body and has four holes for the dog’s legs. As Cat Stevens (no relation to Cat Scan) once sang, “Ooh, baby, baby it’s a wild world…” In short, if we’ve managed to offend any pet owners or transgender fans in our audience, we’re sorry. But if we’ve made you laugh, well that’s what it’s all about.

See you next week with two new ones,

Happy Holidays,

Andy and John