Perspective 11/12/21

Perspective is a funny thing. I remember being 9 years old when my parents called me into the living room with solemn looks upon their faces. They said, “Grandpa Sam died last night, he was only 61. Such a young man.” I distinctly remember two thoughts coming into my 9-year old mind: 1) “Poor grandpa. And 2) 61 is really old.” Another example revolves around a summer when we took our young kids to Disney World and then later that summer to a local, small-sized retro amusement park in Rye, NY, called Playland. I loved that place as a kid, but now, being an adult, I realized I could see from one end to the other. It’s about 3 to 4 city blocks long. My kids, being decidedly smaller, were overwhelmed with all the games and rides. And I asked, “Which place do you think is bigger, Disney World or Playland?” And at once they gleefully shouted out, “Playland!!!” There’s one thing that can be said about perspective: it always changes.

Like our perspective about our misspent youth. I remember a friend showing me the huge field he used to play on when he was a kid. Baseball in the summer, football in the fall. Upon revisiting it, it was a small patch of green surrounded by a bunch of dirt. Or, a couple years ago, this Italian restaurant I loved as a child reopened. It was called Grotto Azura, which means Blue Cave. And you went literally underground, down a couple flights of stairs. The place served family-style huge plates of pasta and clams and sausage, anything you wanted, and it was decorated as if it were a cave. Coolest place ever. When some friends came in from out of town, my wife and I took them there. What a spectacular letdown. The underground part was closed because there wasn’t enough business to justify opening it. And when we tasted the food, we understood why there wasn’t enough business. It sucked. Perspective.

Which brings us to Joe Namath Electric Football, a game both John and I happened to own. I remember getting it as a holiday present. It came with 22 football player statues, 11 for each team. You put them in position on the “field”, which was a board that vibrated when you turned it on. The problem was the players didn’t necessarily travel in the direction you wanted them to go. They went backwards, they went sideways, they fell down. In fact, I think it’s safe to say they never went in the direction you wanted them to go. It was the worst football game I’ve ever played. It was even worse than the food at the new Grotto Azura! This must have been before the days of product testing because the damn thing never worked, ever. Kinda like Joe after his knees were shot. Sorry Jets fans, that was uncalled for. The game seemed like a good idea at the time, but trust us both, it wasn’t. Now Madden 22? That is a good football game. Not because either of us know how to play it, but because we’ve seen our kids play it and those images are a LOT more realistic than Joe Namath Electric Football.

So that is that for this week, but we would like to give a special shout out to John, his wife Linda and their kids, especially daughter Alison, who is getting married this weekend in beautiful, bucolic Charleston, South Carolina. Cheers.

Andy and John

Struggling 4/2/21

It used to be different. It used to be, you’d produce a high-quality product (we’d like to think our comic strip qualifies) and then sell it to a syndicate, and the rest was smooth sailing, except for the part about coming up with new material and then drawing, inking and coloring it. To take the most ridiculously successful example, Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame used to be published in 4,200 newspapers worldwide. The charge to the papers was $100, half to the syndicate, half to Mr. Schulz. That came out to roughly $210,000. Every day. 7 days a week. Then came the internet. And newspapers started fading away. At least the print editions. So what’s a budding comic creator to do these days? Well, you have to give it away for free, and then try to merchandise it. How about a stuffed Marv doll? An Al lunchbox? Doesn’t float your boat? Rachel t-shirts anyone? Now, you give away the content free and try to build an audience naturally. That means having people like it, and share it by sending (emailing) comics they like to their friends. Once you grow big enough, then you can sell it to advertisers or the aforementioned syndicates. Believe me, we’ve talked to syndicates. They have tons of helpful suggestions like introducing magical animals, or having every comic turn into a dream. How about using the characters in a line of greeting cards? This week, John and I decided to “break the fourth wall,” and have the characters talk about themselves as characters. It’s a fun way to take all the suggestions we’ve gotten and put them to use. And frankly, it’s a really good way to vent.

The second comic is part of our Then and Now series. In this installment we compare rotary phones to cell phones. And our struggle with them. Remember when we used to have an “exchange?” Like MUrray Hill 7-1234 or CHickering 4-5678? First of all, what the hell is an exchange? Or an operator. I remember that whenever Lassie was late coming home, the mom would pick up her phone (it was a party line so no rotary dial) and speak to the operator who would make the call for her. Of course, by the time they got through all of that Lassie had found her way home, so the whole ordeal was a waste of time. But I digress. The thing is now all you have to do is look up “home” and the phone dials it for you. Which explains why I can’t remember anyone’s phone number anymore. Because I don’t have to. It’s certainly not due to memory fading with age. It’s all the phone’s fault, is that clear???

That’s it for this week. We hope nobody plays any April Fools tricks on you and we’ll see you next week.

Andy and John

Dealing with age 10/02/2020

Wine gets better with age. Not necessarily us. When I was just a wee lad in my late 30’s, my dentist sent me to the periodontist. He was performing oral surgery (I don’t recommend it; it’s not as much fun as it sounds) and he was cutting this, and lifting that, blah, bah, blah. I asked him, “Doc, why is everything falling apart in my mouth?” And he gave me an answer I never forgot. He said, “The way I figure, your biological imperative is to replace yourself in the human race. Well, you’re more than capable of doing that by the time you’re around 17. The only reason we wait much longer is because of advances in science and health and education. But by the time you’re 17 you can have a kid and by the time that kid is 17, your biolgoical reason for being on this earth is over. So that’s why by age 35, everything starts to go downhill. Your eyesight, aches and pains, your hair turns grey, etc. Make sense?” Yes and thank you for totally bumming me out. (Author’s note: I don’t feel I’m bumming you guys out because we’re already older, right? Don’t answer.) But it’s that kind of insight that inspired our first comic. So you can’t touch your toes without bending your knees anymore? You can no longer drive the golfball 260 yards? You can’t run a 10k in under an hour anymore (who are we kidding, you can’t run a 10K period). Join the club. But on the bright side, we get a lot more time off and at the end of the weekend, we can send the grandkids back home.

Our second comic derives from the fact that the more app developers try to make our lives easier, the more complicated they become. I paid my dentist (no, not the guy from the last paragraph) with my online banking app. Then my dentist lowered the price and said, “No worries, just send us another check for the lesser amount and we’ll rip up your more expensive check when it comes in.” And they did just that, but then when I tried to remove the charge from my account, fuhgeddaboutit! We’re sure you all have horror stories with Zelle, Venmo, Paypal and the like, so that is what we tackled. And by the way, even if you DO master Venmo, good luck trying to put in the person’s proper Venmo address. That’s it for now.

At any rate, read ‘em and laugh and we’ll be back at ya’ next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

Happy Father's Day 06/18/2020

Is it really a Happy Father’s Day? If you’re in the New 60 age group, the kids are out of the house, although they might be back IN the house until this virus subsides sometime around summer of 2021 at which point you’ll be back to work…never mind. The thing is that with social distancing and family distancing and nobody wanting to get on a plane, family holidays are a little different than what they used to be. So John and I imagined what Father’s Day might look like in 2020. And we imagined we’d do it over Zoom, of course. And if you are like me, you have idiotically said cheers over zoom when you’ve “met for drinks or dinner” with friends. Sure you can click glasses with your spouse or partner who is sitting right next to you. But if a virtual clink with your friends or family isn’t enough, you might actually clink the computer or tablet screen itself and if you clink too hard then… So that was our first comic.

Next up was based on an observation. Now that gyms are closed and pools are closed, one of the few exercise options left is walking outside. Now if you are like us and wear your mask, then you notice other people who don’t wear their masks. The other day I was walking and saw somebody without a mask and then he sneezed! Now he turned his head towards the woods and away from the people, but still, it was like he was pointing a semi-automatic weapon at everyone. We went back and forth for a half hour about mask on or mask off for the comic but John is the artist here, so… And the point is, they still ducked for cover.

Hope you enjoyed the comics this week and if you don’t have enough to keep you occupied we put “The New 60 Coloring Book” up on the website. John posted the comics in black and white, so you can practice coloring them in and being your own cartoonist. Just don’t be too good or you’ll put us out of business.

Have a Happy Father’s Day and we’ll see you next week.

Andy and John

The Great Indoors 05/01/2020

We wrote you a few weeks ago about how not every comic would be a Coronavirus Comic. And what did we do this week? We wrote another two of them. We also realized we’ve been coming up with more and more ideas that take place in the home, on the couch or, if we get really expansive, at the supermarket. A wise teacher once said, “write what you know” and the supermarket is about the only place either one of us goes these days.

We both have a routine as we are sure you readers do. Whenever a package comes in the mail, we go throught the prescribed steps. 1) Put on gloves 2) pick up the cardboard box 3) wipe it down with Lysol wipes and 4) mutter under your breath about how f*%@ing ridiculous this whole thing is. And, oh yeah, 5) After you’ve opened the box and removed it from the counter, wipe down said counter with yet more Lysol wipes. Maybe one day there’ll be a conspiracy theory that Lysol started the whole pandemic, but at least they came out with a warning not to swallow the damn stuff. At any rate, today’s first comic came straight out of this routine. And by the way, how thrilled would you be to actually receive a new case of Lysol wipes? Some people would rather get that than a box of 24 karat gold bullion bars. Not this writer, but some people.

The second comic comes from doing what we suspect everyone is doing. No, not sex, this is the New 60 after all, binge-watching Netflix or Hulu or Disney Plus or YouTube or Amazon Prime Video or…okay, we’ll shut up. But John and I talked about doing something with this ubiquitous habit and he said something like, “You know that message that pops up after you’re done with your 4th episode in a row, ‘are you still watching’, well what if it actually saw you?” The point is, you know in your heart of hearts how lazy you’re being and you’re likely playing a tape like this in your head, “I better get up, oh just one more episode, but what about that project in the garage, but this series is sooo good, but the floor needs to be vacuumed, but what’s gonna happen to Marty when the drug cartel finds out…” Anyway, it seemed like a pretty good idea for a comic. And yes, Andy did manage to Swiffer the house. Last week. For only the second time during the stay at home lockdown in NY. He is still awaiting a medal for this groundbreaking burst of energy.

As Porky Pig used to say, in pre-politically correct days, th-th-th-that’s all folks! (and the exclamation is Porky’s).

See you next week with two new ones and please, stay safe.

Andy and John

On new technology and the New Year 1/3/20 (yeah that's right...20)

As we grow older, our priorities change. We find this to be especially true around the celebration of New Year’s Eve. When you’re a kid, you get to stay up late with the babysitter because your parents are at some party. Later you hope you can find a date so you’re not alone for the celebrations. Then if you’re lucky enough to find a date, you have to find something you can do. And afford. It’s as if you’re forced to go out and have a good time. By the time you hit your 60’s, you are likely settled down and have a party to go to. Then the worry becomes, can we stay up until midnight? That was the impetus for our Happy New Year poster (which appears second on your list today as you scroll down from the Closed Captioning comic). Andy and John separately report that they both managed to stay awake for the ball drop. And you’ll have to take their word(s) for it.

The second strip (which appears first) comes from, as Andy’s son Greg used to when he was a little boy, “Real true life.” Except this was John’s life. John sat on the remote and suddenly the Colquhoun’s were blessed with closed captioning on their tv screens. The problem was, they weren’t sure how to turn it off. As John loves to say, “hilarity ensues.”

Here’s the thing with closed captioning. It’s fine in the gym when you can’t hear the tv anyway. And it sure beats turning the tv up to ear-splitting levels. But, and we should note only Andy feels this way, it seems really old to have closed captioning on in your house, because it indicates to everyone that you can’t hear a freakin’ thing. What’s that? I can’t hear you readers out there. Can you speak up just a little louder?

It’s called the fear of getting old, and at 66, Andy still has a long way to go before he gets old…

Happy 2020 everyone and we will be back in your mailboxes next Friday.

Andy and John

On technology and mustaches: sometimes they work, sometimes not so much 11/22/19

We couldn't let the month of November pass by without a nod to Movember. Huh? Movember is a portmanteau (thanks to Andy’s daughter Ali for the definition), a mash up of two words. And for Movember, guys are supposed to grow a mustache to raise awareness of men’s health issues. The first question we have is why Movember and not Muvember. Mustache starts with mu, last we checked. And why does November get to hog almost all the glory? Can’t we give the poor little mustache two stinkin’ letters? Nooo. It’s all about NOvember. But we digress. The mustache that Al grows to commemorate Movember makes him look like a , well, like a 70’s porn star. Full disclosure, Andy said, why not just say “porn star?” and John replied, “The mustache is specific to 70’s porn stars.” We looked it up and he was right. Why he knew so much about 70’s porn stars is a different subject, but let’s not conjecture.

The second strip, sad to say, is based on a real story that happened to Andy. Most of the time, something funny happens to one of us, or we observe something funny and then we change it to make it a better comic. This particular incident needed no change whatsoever. Andy had just bought the weirdly designed and unsurprisingly expensive Apple wireless earbuds, and when peeing in a restaurant bathroom, the bud fell out of his ear and into the toilet. After debating for at least a minute (am I reaching in there or not?) he rolled up his sleeve and when he bent over, you guessed it, the automatic flush kicked in. The lesson here is clear. If you are over 60 the latest technology is probably not for you. That goes for wireless earbuds and especially for automatically flushing toilets. From now on it’s bulky, old school, Bose Noise Cancelling, over the ear headphones dammit. And leave the ear buds to the millennials.

Have a great weekend and we’ll be back next week with one new one and one Happy Thanksgiving poster.

Andy and John

On scrolling the web and a personal gas crisis 10/11/19

Do you guys know you need an enhanced drivers license by next year? If you don’t have one by Oct 20, 2020, you won’t be able to board a domestic flight. Armed with that knowledge, Andy went off to the DMV with the necessary multiple forms. When he arrived he had to wait almost two hours. When he got to the clerk, she asked where his social security card was? He said, “I lost it, but here it is on my tax return. She said “That’s the wrong tax return, you need THIS tax return which you don’t have.” Which is why Andy had to apply for a replacement social security card just so he could get his new enhanced license. With us so far? At any rate, while applying, he had to enter his birth date. He scrolled backwards with a vigorous swipe of his index finger, but that only got him back to the 1990’s. So he scrolled again, and again and once more until he finally got to 1953. And THAT, dear readers, was the impetus for our first comic this week.

The next one came from something we all do but never admit to doing. At least John does and it happened to Andy but only once. If you’ve gotten this far, you now know what that is. Andy and John felt the strip needed an intellectual boost so they tackled the delicate and sensitive subject of farting. We know our readers turn to us for insights into the most important and pressing matters of the day and we wanted to let you know how happy we are to research this urgent matter and more like it. You want politics, go the cable news shows. You want insights that can help make you a more well-rounded, intelligent being, come to The New 60.

Have a nice weekend and we will be back by semi-popular demand next week with two new comics.

Andy and John

On the old (thank you notes) and the new (ebikes) 9/19/19

The New:

A comic strip can come from anywhere and anyone. The more John and I experience, the more material we get. This first strip owes a thank you to Stan and Bob from Hastings Velo (shameless plug for a great bicycle store) who sold Andy an ebike and from Mark of Architectural Minerals and Stone (shameless plug #2 for a beautiful store of minerals and gems) who told Andy what he thought of said ebike (It took a lot of stones by the way, pun intended). Now before we go another step further, you might be asking, what on earth is an ebike? An ebike is just like a regular bike, except… it has a motor. When you switch it on and start pedaling, it helps you get up hills. If you’re a fan of these bikes you say, “I use my bike much more often than I would have ever used my regular bike. If you’re not a fan, you say, ‘But that’s cheating.’” The aforementioned Mark, by the way, holds the latter view. So while I felt a bit deflated, John and I got a funny comic out of it, so all in all, it was a pretty good deal.

The Old:

Next up is a strip about thank you notes. Remember them? A lot of people don’t. And while an ebike may improve the riding experience, an e-note just doesn’t cut it. At least not for people of a certain age group. First of all, if you send me an e-thank you note for your wedding or birthday gift, I know you copied the same damn note 100 times and just filled in the blanks for the particular present. Example, “Thank you so much for the beautiful ____________, we will think of you whenever we use it.” Sorry, just doesn’t cut it. So, to our friends and readers, we discuss the dying art of the handwritten thank you note (in cursive, by the way). And if you don’t know what cursive is, then forget we mentioned the entire subject in the first place.

A look at the new and a look at the old. What will we come up with next week? Check your inbox next Friday to see the answer.

That’s it, and have a great weekend.

Andy and John

CUTTING THE CORD 8/02/19

Maybe you’re a Mets fan. Maybe you’re not. But if you’re not, please don’t look down on those of us who are (both of us). The point is when you move - John to a new house and Andy to a summer rental - it’s hard to get the ballgames. Or what happens if you’re not finished with Game of Thrones and the new place doesn’t get HBO? Anybody for Killing Eve? Oh, just watch it on Hulu. But what if I don’t get Hulu? Oh, no problem, you can get it on BBC America. Huh?

You get the idea. As time marches on, it seems that things become more and more complicated. Like feeding parking meters, changing stations on the car radio, turning on the tv, and once it’s turned on, accessing the very thing you wanted to watch in the first place.

The good news is, once you get it, you have more and better options than ever before. Andy once saw A Star is Born with his daughter, then on the ride home, managed to get his phone to play the soundtrack through his car speakers and get turn by turn directions all at the same time! He felt as if he were the reincarnation of Einstein. The possibilities are endless. If we can figure out how to access all the data available to us, it truly makes life easier. If.

As you have figured out (and likely read by now) weaning yourself off cable was the subject for not one, but BOTH of our comics this week. Our kids have largely done it, but for us — different story. And even when it gets explained in person, it’s still, shall we say, unclear. It’s kinda like with math. You’ve got to learn to add and subtract before you know how to multiply and divide. And in the end, you might, as one of us did, just stick with cable. After all, those Mets are looking good these days.

See you next week and we promise, we’ll move on to subjects we actually understand.

The New 60