Dealing with age 10/02/2020

Wine gets better with age. Not necessarily us. When I was just a wee lad in my late 30’s, my dentist sent me to the periodontist. He was performing oral surgery (I don’t recommend it; it’s not as much fun as it sounds) and he was cutting this, and lifting that, blah, bah, blah. I asked him, “Doc, why is everything falling apart in my mouth?” And he gave me an answer I never forgot. He said, “The way I figure, your biological imperative is to replace yourself in the human race. Well, you’re more than capable of doing that by the time you’re around 17. The only reason we wait much longer is because of advances in science and health and education. But by the time you’re 17 you can have a kid and by the time that kid is 17, your biolgoical reason for being on this earth is over. So that’s why by age 35, everything starts to go downhill. Your eyesight, aches and pains, your hair turns grey, etc. Make sense?” Yes and thank you for totally bumming me out. (Author’s note: I don’t feel I’m bumming you guys out because we’re already older, right? Don’t answer.) But it’s that kind of insight that inspired our first comic. So you can’t touch your toes without bending your knees anymore? You can no longer drive the golfball 260 yards? You can’t run a 10k in under an hour anymore (who are we kidding, you can’t run a 10K period). Join the club. But on the bright side, we get a lot more time off and at the end of the weekend, we can send the grandkids back home.

Our second comic derives from the fact that the more app developers try to make our lives easier, the more complicated they become. I paid my dentist (no, not the guy from the last paragraph) with my online banking app. Then my dentist lowered the price and said, “No worries, just send us another check for the lesser amount and we’ll rip up your more expensive check when it comes in.” And they did just that, but then when I tried to remove the charge from my account, fuhgeddaboutit! We’re sure you all have horror stories with Zelle, Venmo, Paypal and the like, so that is what we tackled. And by the way, even if you DO master Venmo, good luck trying to put in the person’s proper Venmo address. That’s it for now.

At any rate, read ‘em and laugh and we’ll be back at ya’ next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

On tailgating and stuffed drawers 09/25/2020

So I called my buddy Rich up and asked, where are we watching the Giants game Monday night? 3 of us were going to congregate at his house. Then he asked his wife Sue and she was understandably uncomfortable with that idea. Then I offered my apartment and nobody thought that was a good idea either. So we all sat in our individual homes and texted. Not as good. But we have to adjust. No fans, nobody coming over, yikes. I spoke to John about this and offered that they used to have big screens outside Giants stadium, and why couldn’t the guys in our comic get together and tailgate in the parking lot. His response was, “Would they even let you in? I don’t think so.” So we put our heads together and came up with going to the local sports bar. You’re certainly not going to sit inside, but then when you sit outside, could you possibly see the tv inside? Answer: no. Then we thought, if you’ve ever asked to make a call or send a text in a restaurant, you’d have their wireless password, and bingo, our first comic this week was born. The point is, we’re social animals so we’ll figure out a way to get together somehow. But just keep your damn mask on, okay? And around the chin doesn’t count. Neither does under the nose. In the words of Bill Maher, that’s like wearing a condom around your balls. So around your nose and under your chin and then we’re cool, capiche?

Our second comic deals with accumulating stuff. Boxes of stuff, drawers of stuff, magazine racks of stuff, bookshelves of, well, you get the drift. There’s one particular drawer in my kitchen with some knives, a juice-squeezer, tongs, etc. Half the time we open it, it gets stuck. Then you have to root around with your hand to turn something flat so the drawer opens. For instance, we have three pairs of scissors. One of them are the “good scissors”, the ones that work, but we keep the others around “just in case.” When we moved from a house to an apartment we got rid of lots of stuff, like the kids old soccer and baseball equipment, and (sigh) several boxes of lp records, which never made it out of the garage because we just had a cd player.

After all that cleaning out however, we now have new electronic stuff. SInce John is an artist and illustrator, he has even more stuff than I do, but we ran through the list of SWK (Shit We Keep) and came up with the list that appears in this comic. John came up with the electric gooseneck candlelighter, since he actually has one that plugs into a USB port. I still have a butane powered one, though I have no idea where I keep the butane, so when the lighter runs out, I buy more butane to go along with the butane I can’t find, and we wonder how we accumulate so much stuff? How do we avoid getting overrun with it? I have a theory that in every relationship there’s a hoarder and a chucker-outer. I personally have a limit of 3 back issues of any magazine. When we have more than three of any magazine, New York, New Yorker, Bon Appetit, Vanity Fair, I surreptitiously chuck it out. Shhh, don’t tell anyone. But damn, since my wife proof reads the blog every week, she’s going to find out. Oh well.

Have a nice weekend and for our Jewish friends, we hope your fast isn’t too painful (but face it, you’ve probably got a lot to atone for). See you next week.

Andy and John

Back to School and Other Fun Topics 09/11/2020

Imagine if you had a kid going back to college. What would you do? Spend up to $70,000 so he/she can sit in a dorm room with a mask and take classes online? And what if you’re a professor like our character Craig? You might think you know your students, but do you really? Craig imagines (hopes) they’ll be on their best behavior. What we imagined? Animal House. Just a quick aside. As I write this today, I may be a bit distracted. Two reasons. One, there’s a crane working outside with a power saw that sounds like either a high-powered dentist’s drill or a gigantic fly. And there’s an actual fly bugging the shit out of me flying around my apartment as I type. Excuse me for a minute. Finally, he’s dead. No, not the guy with the saw, the fly. The fly ended his life being swatted by an issue of People Magazine. At least it’s good for something. But back to college or back to school virtually. I know how I was in college and I know how my friends were back then and it seems like socially distant, responsible behavior is a lot to ask from a bunch of 18-21 year olds. On the other hand, we understand the need for community. This first comic tries to capture the dichotomy.

Next up was what we imagined we might do if we had to get on a plane. My wife’s mother is still alive and turned 99. She lives either a 45 minute plane ride or 6 1/2 hour car ride away. We drove. Let us count the reasons it’s scary to fly. No, in fact let’s not. Instead I will tell you why I am reluctant. One morning, I saw Dr. Joseph Fair, the head infectious disease specialist for NBC on the Today Show. Only he was doing the segment from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from the Coronavirus. He wore a mask, he swabbed down the seats and all the fold-down tables in his row. He was asked how he got it after all those precautions and said, “My best guess is I caught it through my eyes.” Okay, that was enough for yours truly, even though I wear glasses. Maybe if they come up with a hip stylish hazmat suit (anyone for camouflage?), we’ll hop on a plane. But until then, have a wonderful fall and we hope your football team, wherever you live, wins the SuperBowl. As long as it’s the Giants. Okay, John likes the Jets, so them too. And if you’re from somewhere else, don’t worry, neither of our teams has a prayer.

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

The world is a confusing place 08/14/2020

Is it just us, or does the world seem harder to understand for you guys as well? John and I worked in ad agencies of all different sizes. When we started in the late 70’s and early 80’s there were people who worked for the same agency for their entire careers and retired with a pension and stock. You shot your commecials in LA, stayed in nice hotels, flew business class, entertained your clients and ate great meals. Seemed like a terrific deal. Today, not so much. Who needs to fly? Who needs a camera? Shoot it on an iPhone. Why pay $1 million for a commercial when you can shoot one for $10,000? And really, who needs to pay all that money to an older copywriter or art director when you can get 3 kids for half the price? Trust us, it is confusing. But on the bright side, if it wasn’t for that system, and we were still writing commercials, you wouldn’t be getting these comics. Of course we’d be getting rich, but it’s much more important to service you. And if you believe that, we’ve got some land we’d like to sell you…

At any rate, when the end is near you can see it coming from a mile down the road. Marv was going through similar changes in the printing industry and we thought we’d bring some of our own experiences to the table in figuring out what would eventually happen to him. When offered the chance to take an “early retirement” he jumped at it. And now Marv will think about his “Second Act.” Just as long as it doesn’t involve playing the harmonica.

The next strip practically wrote itself. John’s dad had a high school yearbook where most of the women described themselves as “gay.” My stepmother to this day will describe a party as “gay.” So when John had the thought to make this insight into a comic, I jumped aboard. It’s crazy how language changes and how meanings change and if you don’t make an effort to keep up, it can get pretty confusing. Fret not. We’re here to clear all that up. When Fred Flintstone had a “gay old time,” he wasn’t cheating on the side with Barney Rubble. A birthday party was something you attended, not some organization promoting Kanye West for president. And weed was something you pulled out of your garden, not something you smoked.

We sincerely hope that clears up all the confusion. Stay safe we’ll see you next week and may all your weekends be festive and gay.

Andy and John

On two topics that change with age, work and sex 07/23/2020

Let’s start with sex, because, why not? It’s one of those topics you think about constantly in your teens and twenties, talk about with your friends, and seek out constantly. All the models and images you see are people in their 20’s and maybe even 30’s but not much beyond that. Except maybe Jennifer Aniston. But then as you get older, you settle down. Get married. Have kids. Which makes you even older. And more tired. And after a certain age, it’s not a topic you’re talking to your friends about. At least not very often. Which leads us to today’s first comic. One of us (named John) was at a dinner party when a conversation, much like the one in the comic, actually occurred. If that same revelation happened in your twenties or thirties, you might be inclined to ask, “Costumes? What kind of costumes?” At least I’d be inclined to ask that. Truth is, I still am but now l know better than to ask. So sex is still in the air, but now it’s lurking in the background. One of our favorite strips ran a couple years ago. Craig, our confirmed bachelor, was about to have sex for the first time with a woman he was dating. She asked, “Lights on or…” and before she could get the last word out, they both proclaimed, “Off!!!” Telling us what kind of costumes you wear to “keep it fresh” is something we can hear on a “need to know” basis. And we don’t need to know.

The second strip deals with going back to work. It may not have been the greatest to begin with, but now that you’ve been used to working from home, do any of us really want to go back to the office? Back to running for the commuter train during rush hour? Or sitting in your car in bumper to bumper traffic? Or listening to your 32 year-old boss drone on about the vital importance of search engine optimization? Sure you may miss the comraderie, but the rest of it? And now add plastic partitions, indoor mask-wearing, and recoiling in horror when you’ve absent-mindedly touched something. Quick, anyone have some Purell? My forearm touched the banister!” For these and other reasons, Marv is counting down the days until retirement, or even worse, involuntary retirement.

So keep it covered, wash often and we’ll see you next week with two new comics.

Andy and John

I've got too much time on my hands 07/10/2020

If you’re retired, you’ve got too much time to think. And ponder. And rethink. And re-ponder. You think about useful stuff and not so useful stuff. Like retronyms. And what’s the use of your ingenious insights if you can’t share them? John and I both have a love for words and for trivia. Combine them and you come up with a bunch of stuff not many other people give two hoots about. For instance, what’s the only place on Manhattan Island that isn’t part of New York, or for that matter, the United States? It’s considered international territory. It’s the United Nations. Or did you know that Times Square was named Times Square because that’s where the NY Times was published? Or that Woody Allen’s real name is Allen Konigsberg? Well we are filled with such useless, trivial info and couldn’t wait to share it with you all. So we dumped it on Al’s son, because it would take John way too long to draw all of you. And, even though he has great love for his dad, he eventually throws up the white flag. Meanwhile, did you know that Babe Ruth once ate 13 hot dogs at…never mind.

Next up is Malcolm Gladwell’s theory of what it takes to be really good at something. 10,000 hours of practice. Now that might be useful to an 11 year old kid trying to be a great baseball player. Or ballet dancer. Or writer, painter, chef, etc. But what about a 60-something guy trying to learn harmonica? (Or golf, which I still haven’t mastered after at least 10,000 hours, thank you very much Mr. Gladwell). How much patience would it take from the person trying to accrue the aforementioned 10,000 hours of practice, and more importantly, how much patience would it take from his friends and family members forced to listen to many of those musically-mangled hours? Our conclusion: few people would have the patience, up to and including Marv’s wife Rachel.

Hopefully you guys have the patience to wait for us to reach 10,000 hours of comic creation, before we become “experts.” In the meantime we will continue our journey with two brand new comics next week.

Thanks for hanging in there and have a terrific weekend,

Andy and John

Back to (some form of) Normal 06/26/2020

It had to happen sooner or later. Slowly but surely we’re getting back some of our old lives. Traffic is returning (not so good). Restaurants are reopening (good), but only at half capacity, (not good). People are getting a little less stringent about their masks, (good when it’s us, not when it’s somebody else). And yes, we feel brave enough to order takeout (definitely mixed). And that is the impetus of today’s first comic. We’ve seen so many places have so many different rules about what they will and will not allow. There’s our favorite Italian restaurant, which asks what color and make car you drive and your license plate, before you pull up to the curb. But I’m wary of that, because when they ask what kind of car I drive, if I say “an Audi,” will they say, “Oh, in that case we have to add a 20% GLCT (German Luxury Car Tax).

At any rate John and I have tossed around war stories about getting takeout and the tremendous steps you have to take before you show up (it’s an amalgamation of every rule the two of us have encountered), and we wondered, what would happen if you forgot something? Would you have the patience to go back their again and ask for it? John and I both decided, definitely not. Even when the local restaurant two blocks from my house forgot the salad dressing. Bastards.

The other comic, and this week you WILL receive two comics, is about, heaven forbid, going back to work. Since John and I both stopped going to an office before we started the comic, we can only imagine what it would be like, but whatever it is, it’ll likely suck. Oh sure it’ll be good to see your friends again but do you have to wear your mask indoors? What about gloves? And what about those perks, like the coffee maker? Are you reaching into the fridge and taking out the milk carton that 27 other people have touched? And about coffee. I went into a Starbucks before they shut down for awhile and they took away all the options for personalizing your coffee. For me, it’s iced coffee, and if I want to put in skim milk and top it off with half and half, and a packet of Truvia (1 and 1/2 packets if it’s a large) I’d appreciate you not looking at me that “what a weirdo” way. At least I didn’t order oat milk. But back to the office. We imagined what Marv would think, and it went something like this: “You can take away the free pens, make me swab down my laptop after every use, and wash my hands frequently…BUT DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING AWAY THE CRUMB CAKE!!!”

Believe it or not, we’re heading headlong into the summer season and we will see you next week with a new one and a happy July 4th poster, suitable for framing (just thought we’d throw that in there).

Have a great weekend,

Andy and John

Happy Father's Day 06/18/2020

Is it really a Happy Father’s Day? If you’re in the New 60 age group, the kids are out of the house, although they might be back IN the house until this virus subsides sometime around summer of 2021 at which point you’ll be back to work…never mind. The thing is that with social distancing and family distancing and nobody wanting to get on a plane, family holidays are a little different than what they used to be. So John and I imagined what Father’s Day might look like in 2020. And we imagined we’d do it over Zoom, of course. And if you are like me, you have idiotically said cheers over zoom when you’ve “met for drinks or dinner” with friends. Sure you can click glasses with your spouse or partner who is sitting right next to you. But if a virtual clink with your friends or family isn’t enough, you might actually clink the computer or tablet screen itself and if you clink too hard then… So that was our first comic.

Next up was based on an observation. Now that gyms are closed and pools are closed, one of the few exercise options left is walking outside. Now if you are like us and wear your mask, then you notice other people who don’t wear their masks. The other day I was walking and saw somebody without a mask and then he sneezed! Now he turned his head towards the woods and away from the people, but still, it was like he was pointing a semi-automatic weapon at everyone. We went back and forth for a half hour about mask on or mask off for the comic but John is the artist here, so… And the point is, they still ducked for cover.

Hope you enjoyed the comics this week and if you don’t have enough to keep you occupied we put “The New 60 Coloring Book” up on the website. John posted the comics in black and white, so you can practice coloring them in and being your own cartoonist. Just don’t be too good or you’ll put us out of business.

Have a Happy Father’s Day and we’ll see you next week.

Andy and John

The New Reality 05/29/2020

Have you experienced this at the grocery store? You get ready to go, put on your latex gloves (we haven’t used this much latex since college, but that’s another story), slip on your mask, take along your disinfectant wipes and off you go. First anomaly is you get the cart and THEN they have wipes at the front entrance after you’ve already touched the cart. Now okay, we can deal with the one way signs down each aisle and the obvious impossibility of maintaining 6-feet when the person in front of you, mask around his or her chin, is pondering which of 36 varieties of paleo granola to pick. But, then you finally lose your patience and pass them. BUT, and we do mean BUT, the real challenge occurs at the checkout line. Do you think those taped x’s are really 6 feet apart? And is that guy in back of you edging just a little too close? Even that is fine. The real kicker is what we turned into a comic. Andy read that you can pick up the virus when the cashier swipes your credit card through the machine, so he uses his phone and pays in that way. Only problen is A) the phone’s facial recognition feature doesn’t recognize you wearing a mask, requiring him to be one of those aforementioned jerks who proceeds to pull his mask around his chin and B) if the facial recognition still won’t work he now can’t punch in his passcode without first pulling off the damned latex gloves. But you gotta eat, so….

Our second one came from a near mystical experience in Coney Island. Andy decided on his birthday a couple weeks ago to drive down to Brooklyn and walk along the boardwalk. It was a beautiful spring day and he couldn’t pass Stillwell Ave, without getting off the boardwalk and going to Nathan’s. He got the requisite dog and fries and came back to the boardwalk to find a bench facing the ocean, with no one else sitting on it. He carefully pulled out a lysol wipe and wiped the bench down. He unwrapped what is considered the world’s greatest hot dog, and took a bite. It was so good, he closed his eyes and listened to the gentle surf hitting the shore and the sounds of the seagulls. Heaven. Until suddenly some guy comes bounding down the boardwalk blaring rap music from, get this, a boombox! No kidding. Some ear-splitting hip hop dittie about peace, love and understanding. Not really. Anyway, Andy recounted this to John and he said, I got it. Boom boxes and zoom boxes. One thing remains constant. We hate them as much today as we did 30 years ago.

So that’s it for this week. Next week are two goodies about how it feels to get yet another year older and we return to Al’s pizzeria as he considers reopening.

Have a wonderful weekend and if we pass each other, let’s make sure we pull our masks up, okay?

Andy and John

Moving up and moving out 3/13/2020

At the new 60, we try to pick funny situations. But some of them are fraught with emotion as well. Andy has a relative (we keep all our stories anonymous) who lived alone, with a nurse and she had been basically bedridden for a few years. Her nieces and nephews moved her out of the only home she had known as an adult and into an adult living facility. The family dreaded the move but more importantly, her reaction to the move. But what happened was amazing. The woman in question responded by sitting up in her wheelchair, chatting with the other residents, taking part in the activities and basically coming back to life. She never even mentioned her apartment! This of course was the impetus for our two comics this week.

The first one deals with the family nervously breaking the news, but surprise, mom is only too happy to get the hell out. When you think about it, it makes sense. If you are lucky enough to live to a certain age, your friends start dying off, you’re stuck in your apartment, and wait a second this is supposed to be funny, right?

Well, the second comic, now that is funny and not so potentially maudlin. As the baby boomer population ages, these adult communities have more and more facilities to make people’s lives as full as possible. Buses to Broadway matinees, buses to gambling casinos, movie nights, great chefs, card games and a built-in cache of new friends. Who wouldn’t want to live there? This is loosely based on a guy Andy met in the gym, who spent time in a minimum security prison for some kind of insider trading scandal. This is the same place where former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is staying. The guy said he could watch tv whenever he wanted, they had basketball courts and a softball diamond. He said his friends would come to visit and joke, “I wouldn’t mind living here myself.”

So that’s it for now. Both John and Andy are in grumpy moods because they had separate trips scheduled for warmer climates and now they’re stuck back in the winter. Bah humbug. At any rate, have a coronavirus-free weekend and pump that Purell!

Andy and John

Can you teach an old dog new tricks? 3/6/2020

This week we attempt to answer this age old question. Although one of the “new tricks” is trying to remaster an old trick. Never mind.

The first comic is Marv reuniting with his trumpet. Now that he’s in his 60’s, he’s got all sorts of free time. And why not learn or relearn how to play an instrument? Disclosure: we have a mutual friend who has taken up the harmonica with comparable results, but any comparison between him and Marv is STRICTLY coincidental. Strictly.

But the point is that with this newly open schedule, friends of ours are learning all sorts of new tricks, like how to play golf, do pilates, speak Spanish, etc. So as we dust off the contents of our attics, or sell our houses now that the kids are grown and out, and as we peruse the trumpets, harmonicas, artist’s easels, basketballs, etc., we are tempted to give these activities another whirl.

The next comic up is Sam’s coming to grips with being a new dad. Now this IS a new trick because he’s never been a dad before. And that is a skill that Marv and Al have had plenty of practice at. Just not when they were 62. So in imagining what that could possibly be like, they end up panicking their poor friend. Truth be told, Andy was panicked when he became a new dad, and he was only 33. He had promised to give up smoking (which he did) but in fearing that life as he knew it was about to end, he managed to put on 15 pounds of “sympathy weight.” Andy’s theory: It really isn’t sympathy for what your wife is going through, it’s really panic for what YOU’RE about to go through. Just sayin’. All we can say is “Watch out Sam.” John has a lot of ink in his arsenal and can make you gain as much weight as he wants.

In closing, it seems like you CAN teach an old dog, new tricks. Like starting a comic strip when you’re in your 60’s. Nah. Forget about that example. Too much work.

Have a great weekend.

Andy and John

Old hubby, young wife 2/28/2020

It’s called a lot of things. A May-December romance. Cradle robber. Hollywood romance (think Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones). But it is far more common this way than in the older woman/younger man thing, which is getting more popular as time goes on. But back to the older man/younger woman thing, we thought, now THAT is a setup to have some fun with. It doesn’t take much imagination to think how it would go at first, but what about when the passion eventually dies down and reality sets in? What will she think if you want to take her to a Steely Dan concert? Gosh these people are all so old, and come to think of it, so is Sam!!!!

But today Sam had an announcement he wanted to make. He’s going to be a dad. And Sam, never having been a father before, had no idea what to expect. Make no mistake, Al and Marv, who have recently regained their freedom (the kids are grown up and out of the house - mostly) are going to fill him in on what his life is about to become.

No more random Wednesday afternoon, let’s meet at the diner, lunches. No more spur of the moment “Want to go to the Mets game tomorrow?” moments. No more, “poker at my house Thursday.” In fact, Sam’s life as he knows it is over. But he doesn’t know it yet. But don’t worry, he’s about to find out.

Many of our friends are getting that rush of having a new child again, but it’s a grandchild they’re talking about. They love the kids to death but at the end of the day, or the end of the weekend, they get to give the kids back to mommy and daddy. Sam, not so much.

So our first comic deals with the guys’ reactions to Sam’s news and the second one features Dottie - their edgy, sarcastic waitress at the diner - putting her two cents in. Not that she was asked, mind you.

More on this next week and then we’ll move on but this is a storyline that keeps on giving.

Enjoy your weekend and we will see you next week.

Andy and John

On not sweating the small stuff 2/21/2020

Andy’s daughter Ali recently gave him a gift on Valentine’s Day, four colored glass straws. This was a marked improvement over the metal straw Joanie brought home. And an unbelievable improvement over the biodegradable paper straws that Andy was using to drink his beloved iced coffees and iced teas. You know the kind. They collapse if you suck on them too hard and then when you try to pinch them back into shape, they tear, requiring you to put a finger over the rip so you can create some form of suction. In other words, a major league pain-in-the-ass. Now if you’re not in the loop environmentally, you might ask, what’s so bad about plastic straws? Well they are used only once and thrown away. Yet they stay on the planet FOR-EV-ER.

But still…when you’re used to a flexible bendy straw your whole life, it’s kind of off-putting to place a piece of unyielding metal in your mouth. And what happens if you’re walking down the stairs on a hot summer day, sipping your iced tea through a metal straw and you trip on your flip flops? Huh? So as we confront this new environmental nightmare, we thought, straws are one of those things you can still find at grandma and grandpa’s house, along with Mallomars and chocolate-covered raisins, but we digress. John was likely scarred during childhood from those paper straws you had to poke into the milk cartons which collapsed during the first sip, and he struggles with the memory. Andy, a full 5 years older, had to tough it out by pinching the carton open and going straw-less. At any rate, we thought the different generational reactions to a plastic straw belonged in a New 60 comic. We hope you agree.

Next comic up was inspired by Andy’s recent visit for a routine check-up. The first thing you do is get weighed with your clothes on. Now, Andy has his secrets. No breakfast that morning, don’t wear jeans, wear khakis or something light, empty your cell phone, watch, car keys, gum, toothpicks, take off your belt, suck your breath in (we know it doesn’t work, but still…) and gingerly step on the scale. When Andy told John of his modest strip-tease, John immediately thought, let’s strip him down to his underpants and only the nurse stops him from going “The Full Monty” (that means totally naked and is also a title of a movie in which two out-of-work, overweight dads, decide to become male pole dancers). Now let us reassure you that neither John nor Andy have any thoughts of that type of career change, but we thought it’d make a good story for the “Marv” character who is always trying one diet after another. But John couldn’t resist drawing Marv in his tighty whities (and he also couldn’t resist calling them “skivvies”).

So there you go. See you next week with two new ones and we may even reveal Shellie’s new condition to our hapless men.

Have a wonderful weekend

Andy and John

Clogged Drains and Award Shows 1/31/2020

“Honey, come on in, the Grammys are starting.” That’s a sentence NOT being uttered in many houses where the participants are 60+. Some houses, maybe, but not many. “Oh, look who’s hosting. It’s that, ya know, the one who was a classically trained pianist and uhh, name is like a piano, uhh, Keyes, that’s it Alicia Keyes!” And that’s just the opening. The rest of the night is a series of questions like our kids used to ask when they were 5 years old. “Who’s that? What does she sing? How does it go? Why is her hair black on the bottom and green on the top? Why does that man have a motorized hat with a curtain?”

It’s been said that the only two types of programs people watch live anymore are awards shows and sports. This is because most people want to know who won in real time, before they get alerts on their watches, cell phones and iPads. Not recognizing anyone on the Grammys, Andy took refuge by switching to the Knicks game. Then - realizing he was watching the Knicks (no comment) - he quickly switched back to the Grammys. As John pointed out, “The only people I recognized on the Grammys were the ones who died last year.” And boom, we had a comic.

The next one was easy because it really happened to Andy. Only it was a clogged toilet instead of a sink. John “I’m the prude in this crowd” Colquhoun said, “A clogged toilet is gross. Let’s do a sink.” You have to admit, the guy had a point. So we did a sink. And for the ending, well, that was the easy part, what goes with balsamic vinegar? Well, a caprese salad. And there was our second comic. By the way, we now are well stocked in plain, old fashioned white vinegar. And if it ever happens again (which it did), we found a trick that actually works. Fill a bucket up with hot (but not boiling hot) water and dump in in the toilet from about waist high. It makes a big splash, but the force of the water dislodges…whatever was lodged. You get the idea. And, to tie back to the beginning (Grammy Awards) If you don’t know, now you know. Courtesy Biggie Smalls.

Have a great, clog-free weekend.

Andy and John

On new technology and the New Year 1/3/20 (yeah that's right...20)

As we grow older, our priorities change. We find this to be especially true around the celebration of New Year’s Eve. When you’re a kid, you get to stay up late with the babysitter because your parents are at some party. Later you hope you can find a date so you’re not alone for the celebrations. Then if you’re lucky enough to find a date, you have to find something you can do. And afford. It’s as if you’re forced to go out and have a good time. By the time you hit your 60’s, you are likely settled down and have a party to go to. Then the worry becomes, can we stay up until midnight? That was the impetus for our Happy New Year poster (which appears second on your list today as you scroll down from the Closed Captioning comic). Andy and John separately report that they both managed to stay awake for the ball drop. And you’ll have to take their word(s) for it.

The second strip (which appears first) comes from, as Andy’s son Greg used to when he was a little boy, “Real true life.” Except this was John’s life. John sat on the remote and suddenly the Colquhoun’s were blessed with closed captioning on their tv screens. The problem was, they weren’t sure how to turn it off. As John loves to say, “hilarity ensues.”

Here’s the thing with closed captioning. It’s fine in the gym when you can’t hear the tv anyway. And it sure beats turning the tv up to ear-splitting levels. But, and we should note only Andy feels this way, it seems really old to have closed captioning on in your house, because it indicates to everyone that you can’t hear a freakin’ thing. What’s that? I can’t hear you readers out there. Can you speak up just a little louder?

It’s called the fear of getting old, and at 66, Andy still has a long way to go before he gets old…

Happy 2020 everyone and we will be back in your mailboxes next Friday.

Andy and John

Zen and the Art of Car Maintenance 12/13/19

Okay, okay you got me. This week’s entries have absolutely nothing to do with Zen.

Nada.

Zilch.

But they do have a lot to do with car maintenance. First of all I need to explain the cultural phenomenon here. Andy is Jewish. He doesn’t know how to do car repairs. John (as Adam Sandler might sing) not a Jew and is therefore a do it yourselfer. But what seems easy often is not. Sure that clown in the YouTube video tells you it’s easy, but when he starts mentioning super hot halogen bulbs and potentially starting electrical fires, well, no thanks. Which is why Al sheepishly ends up going to the service bay of his car dealer. This reflects the experience of one of us. We’ll leave it to you to figure out which one of us that is. Hint: the only thing Andy ever successfully did from a YouTube video was figuring out how to descale a Nespresso Coffeemaker. Please, hold your applause.

This week’s other comic comes with a shout-out to our mutual friend, Alex Avsharian. He told John about this wiggling-your-finger-in-your-ear-to-sound-like-PacMan phenomenon. John asked Alex if we could use it in a strip (no we weren’t desperate, thank you very much) and he said, “Sure, I got it off a meme in the first place.” Thanks anyway Alex. If it weren’t for you, we’d never know how to make that sound. We know other mature tricks like this (how to do a convincing fake vomit sound, for instance) but our huge editorial staff is still deciding whether or not to release that highly classified piece of intel.

So enjoy (or hate) the impeachment trials or if you do still go to work in an office, enjoy online holiday shopping and then the trials (we’ve been there, done that and know exactly how much work is getting done in this run-up to Christmas Break.)

We will see you next week with a theme around those lovely Holiday Cards.

Andy and JOhn

Time to be a kid 11/01/19

You remember what it’s like to be a kid, don’t you? It hasn’t been THAT long. Sure we say things like, “My back hurts,” “My knee hurts,” “I’ve got tickets to the World Series but I’d rather watch it on tv at home,” or “I can’t go out in this weather, my hair will frizz.” But at least we can REMEMBER what it’s like to be young. Take Halloween for instance. We remember the thrill of trick or treating, then we took our kids and saw the joy on their faces (and stole their candy after they went to bed), and finally we got to the point where the kids were grown up and out of the house, but we still had to have candy for the trick or treaters, right? And if you moved to an apartment house like Andy, you had very few trick or treaters, but still wanted the damn candy. Well it turns out Andy was standing on line at Walgreens Halloween afternoon behind a man who appeared to be in his 60’s or 70’s and had his arms loaded with candy. Andy asked him if it was for the neighborhood kids or himself and he just smiled. But you know what gave him away? Boxes of Good ‘ Plenty, Mike ‘n Ikes and Tootsie Rolls. Definitely for him. And that was the inspiration for today’s comic.

Scrolling down to our second idea, we examined the absolute absurdity of people watching other people play video games. On tv. Is that really a thing? It’s a thing. If you look at your channel guide, and go somewhere around station number 12070 (made that one up folks), you will see video games being played. Think of the implications. Why bother with human football players or baseball players? They get hurt, they get traded, they make contract demands. If people will watch other people play video sports instead, why not just do that? Just this year, tens of thousands of fans packed Arthur Ashe stadium for three successive days to watch other people play a shoot ‘em up game called Fortnight. Kids and young adults were playing the video game and what was on their screens was being shown on the jombo monitors in the stadium. Overall there was $30 million in prize money handed out to the contestants. After John questioned his career choice, he suggested that this was a topic ripe for skewering. And skewer we did. Now aren’t you sorry you told your kids to put down the damn game and do their homework??? Little did we know.

So that’s all she wrote for this week. We will see you next week with two new ones. Have a great weekend everyone.

Andy and John

Somethings change for the worse and somethings never change 10/18/19

Welcome back, dear readers. We know we promised our previous baseball comic would be our last of this year, but c’mon, it’s the playoffs and as one of us was quietly following in bed late one night trying not to disturb his wife, this light bulb went off. Isn’t that just like what we used to do as little boys with our transistor radios? “Good night mom,” we’d say, “Going to sleep now,” as we turned on the game and placed the radio under our pillows. The only things that have changed are: the games are much slower and finish much later than they ever used to, we’re saying good night to our wives instead of our moms. Oh yeah,one other thing: we’re now mature adults who no longer have to sneak watching the game into extra innings. Well, forget that last one, but at least the games are on much later. This, we realized was perfect for our “Then and Now” format.

The next comic is about crossword puzzles. Both Andy and John still do them, but just the minis. They have both ventured into the longer form puzzles on Mondays and Tuesdays (for those of you who don’t know, the NY Times makes the longer puzzles harder with each successive day of the week), but neither one of us has managed to complete a full Wednesday puzzle. There’s been a great deal of research on doing crosswords and the need to exercise the mind. It’s fun and a hell of a lot easier than excercising the body, let’s be honest. Do they really work on keeping the mind sharp? Who knows, but a dull mind makes a dull comic, so we’ll keep on trying to solve them.

On a sad note, we lost a good friend to breast cancer last week who was also a big fan of the comic. Remember the comic about the woman who had her first grandchild and didn’t want to be called Grandma? Well, that was based on our friend Linda Casper. You will be sorely missed, Linda.

Enjoy your weekend and we’ll see you digitally next Friday with two new ones.

Andy and John

On scrolling the web and a personal gas crisis 10/11/19

Do you guys know you need an enhanced drivers license by next year? If you don’t have one by Oct 20, 2020, you won’t be able to board a domestic flight. Armed with that knowledge, Andy went off to the DMV with the necessary multiple forms. When he arrived he had to wait almost two hours. When he got to the clerk, she asked where his social security card was? He said, “I lost it, but here it is on my tax return. She said “That’s the wrong tax return, you need THIS tax return which you don’t have.” Which is why Andy had to apply for a replacement social security card just so he could get his new enhanced license. With us so far? At any rate, while applying, he had to enter his birth date. He scrolled backwards with a vigorous swipe of his index finger, but that only got him back to the 1990’s. So he scrolled again, and again and once more until he finally got to 1953. And THAT, dear readers, was the impetus for our first comic this week.

The next one came from something we all do but never admit to doing. At least John does and it happened to Andy but only once. If you’ve gotten this far, you now know what that is. Andy and John felt the strip needed an intellectual boost so they tackled the delicate and sensitive subject of farting. We know our readers turn to us for insights into the most important and pressing matters of the day and we wanted to let you know how happy we are to research this urgent matter and more like it. You want politics, go the cable news shows. You want insights that can help make you a more well-rounded, intelligent being, come to The New 60.

Have a nice weekend and we will be back by semi-popular demand next week with two new comics.

Andy and John

On the old (thank you notes) and the new (ebikes) 9/19/19

The New:

A comic strip can come from anywhere and anyone. The more John and I experience, the more material we get. This first strip owes a thank you to Stan and Bob from Hastings Velo (shameless plug for a great bicycle store) who sold Andy an ebike and from Mark of Architectural Minerals and Stone (shameless plug #2 for a beautiful store of minerals and gems) who told Andy what he thought of said ebike (It took a lot of stones by the way, pun intended). Now before we go another step further, you might be asking, what on earth is an ebike? An ebike is just like a regular bike, except… it has a motor. When you switch it on and start pedaling, it helps you get up hills. If you’re a fan of these bikes you say, “I use my bike much more often than I would have ever used my regular bike. If you’re not a fan, you say, ‘But that’s cheating.’” The aforementioned Mark, by the way, holds the latter view. So while I felt a bit deflated, John and I got a funny comic out of it, so all in all, it was a pretty good deal.

The Old:

Next up is a strip about thank you notes. Remember them? A lot of people don’t. And while an ebike may improve the riding experience, an e-note just doesn’t cut it. At least not for people of a certain age group. First of all, if you send me an e-thank you note for your wedding or birthday gift, I know you copied the same damn note 100 times and just filled in the blanks for the particular present. Example, “Thank you so much for the beautiful ____________, we will think of you whenever we use it.” Sorry, just doesn’t cut it. So, to our friends and readers, we discuss the dying art of the handwritten thank you note (in cursive, by the way). And if you don’t know what cursive is, then forget we mentioned the entire subject in the first place.

A look at the new and a look at the old. What will we come up with next week? Check your inbox next Friday to see the answer.

That’s it, and have a great weekend.

Andy and John