Clogged Drains and Award Shows 1/31/2020

“Honey, come on in, the Grammys are starting.” That’s a sentence NOT being uttered in many houses where the participants are 60+. Some houses, maybe, but not many. “Oh, look who’s hosting. It’s that, ya know, the one who was a classically trained pianist and uhh, name is like a piano, uhh, Keyes, that’s it Alicia Keyes!” And that’s just the opening. The rest of the night is a series of questions like our kids used to ask when they were 5 years old. “Who’s that? What does she sing? How does it go? Why is her hair black on the bottom and green on the top? Why does that man have a motorized hat with a curtain?”

It’s been said that the only two types of programs people watch live anymore are awards shows and sports. This is because most people want to know who won in real time, before they get alerts on their watches, cell phones and iPads. Not recognizing anyone on the Grammys, Andy took refuge by switching to the Knicks game. Then - realizing he was watching the Knicks (no comment) - he quickly switched back to the Grammys. As John pointed out, “The only people I recognized on the Grammys were the ones who died last year.” And boom, we had a comic.

The next one was easy because it really happened to Andy. Only it was a clogged toilet instead of a sink. John “I’m the prude in this crowd” Colquhoun said, “A clogged toilet is gross. Let’s do a sink.” You have to admit, the guy had a point. So we did a sink. And for the ending, well, that was the easy part, what goes with balsamic vinegar? Well, a caprese salad. And there was our second comic. By the way, we now are well stocked in plain, old fashioned white vinegar. And if it ever happens again (which it did), we found a trick that actually works. Fill a bucket up with hot (but not boiling hot) water and dump in in the toilet from about waist high. It makes a big splash, but the force of the water dislodges…whatever was lodged. You get the idea. And, to tie back to the beginning (Grammy Awards) If you don’t know, now you know. Courtesy Biggie Smalls.

Have a great, clog-free weekend.

Andy and John

Adventures in driving and grandparenting 1/24/2020

First on your feed this week is a lesson in grandparenting. When Andy pitched the ending, John said, “I don’t want to do the dumb husband/smart wife thing.” Andy replied, “Why not,” and John said, “We need to be less obvious.” The guy had a point. But the other point was that this exact incident happened to Andy, his wife Joanie and their daughter Ali who was about 2 at the time. They weren’t about to go sleigh riding, they were about to go to an unveiling. Outside. In February. In a foot of snow. And Ali, always the fashion maven even at 2 years old, wanted to wear her black, shiny, patent leather, party shoes, while her dad was trying to force her boots on. She was wailing and kicking, anything to avoid putting on those rubber boots. Suddenly her mom Joanie entered the room and suggested the compromise you saw in the comic. Ali immediately calmed down and put on her party shoes, and THEN her snow boots.

The challenge for your intrepid cartoonists was how to end this and John had the thought of coming up with some ancient wisdom. It turns out both Andy and John had separately worked with Pat Morita, the famed master in The Karate Kid. So a Jew from New York and a Protestant from Long Island put their heads together came up with some ancient Chinese wisdom instead. Which makes for a more intersting ending. But as Andy says, the guy is still a dummy. And he ought to know, because that guy was him. One final note was that Joanne’s final comeback, “You learn well, grasshopper,” is a nod to the show “Kung Foo” starring a white man, David Carradine, in flowing robes. Those were certianly different times.

Our second comic was inspired by a friend of Andy’s named Kyle who was a little late to Andy’s apartment to watch the conference championship football games last Sunday. What happened was Kyle had left his house but had forgotten his phone. He went back to get it and wanted to send a text from his car, saying he’d be late. He was hoping to encounter a red light so he could stop and text but every light he reached was green. When he finally got to a red light, he pulled out his phone and…the light turned green. When he finally arrived, midway through the first quarter, he announced, “If you ever want to avoid running into a red light, just try to send a text.” Andy said, “You are late but forgiven because you just gave us a new comic.”

That’s it for this week. We will see you again on Super Bowl weekend. Until then, be well and keep on reading.

Andy and John

On resolutions and remembering 1/17/2020

Who among us has not made a list of New Year’s resolutions? Who remembers them? Not important. We’re here to make fun of your resolutions. If you are in The New 60 age range, chances are one of your resolutions was to stay in shape. Now you can do that in age-appropriate ways like, walking, bicycling (on an ebike, of course), swimming, golf (in a cart, duh), tennis (doubles only, double duh), pilates, yoga, etc. And then there are the sports we make fun of. Why? No wise guy, not because we can’t play them anymore. Because they are sports where the participants refuse to give into age. Okay, we also can’t play them anymore. Examples: pick up basketball, over 50 slo-pitch softball, touch football, even soccer. Note: Andy plays golf mostly in a cart and John plays tennis, mostly doubles, so don’t even THINK about making fun of either of those activities. In our first comic (which appears second in your email) we picked on pickup basketball because, in the immortal words of Ratso Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman in MIdnight Cowboy) “I’m fallin’ apart here!”

The next comic, which comes up first (don’t ask, it’s complicated) is about memory. Specifically, remembering people’s names to whom you only have a tangential connection. Now, if you are like us, you have developed strategies to combat the embarassment of forgetting somebody you are supposed to know. There’s the one on one meeting: just introduce yourself, hoping the other person will introduce themselves. It goes something like this, You: “Hi, Andy.” To which the other guy say: “I know, Tom.” To which you reply, “Of course. Hi Tom.” Then there’s the two on one where you know only one of the other people’s names. You say to the person you don’t know, “Hi, have you met George?” And the other person says, “No, I haven’t, pleased to meet you, I’m Tom.” (By the way, why are we always forgetting Tom?) That method is almost foolproof. But then there’s the situation where you get approached by two people and you forget both their names. Then you’re screwed. You have to go for the Hail Mary of “Do you guys know each other?” In our comic, they said “No” at which point, you’re done.

So what are some other solutions to this embarassing phenomenon, which we guess, does not improve with age. One idea is to hire one of those senate aides who goes around galas whispering in the Senator’s ear, “That’s Martha, the representative from Arizona. That’s her husband Bill beside her, and their oldest daughter Claire is going to be a freshman at Arizona State in the fall.” Lacking somebody like that, you can always rely on your spouse or life partner. In Andy’s case, his wife Joanie once rescued him be saying, “You remember Tom (poor Tom again),” to which Andy stupidly replied, “No.”

At any rate, thank you for continuing to read us. Have a great weekend and we’ll be back next week.

Andy and John

On leftovers and resolutions 1/10/20

If you are like either of us, you hosted a New Year’s Eve party and on January 1 (and who’s kidding, on Jan 2 and maybe even the 3rd) you started making your way through the leftovers. Partly because you become tired of having to move the roasted vegetables, guacamole and sour cream in order to get to the milk. And partly because you have had enough brie for a month, and want to get to the old fasioned cheddar. Besides, brie sucks when served cold. The urge to clear, coupled with the urge to not waste, results in some hilariously mismatched dinners. And champagne? Forget about it. Who wants to open a nice bottle of Moet or Veuve Cliqout, when you’ll have to dump whatever isn’t drunk? Pro tip: This is why the good lord invented prosecco, which retails for $12.99. If you’re just drinking mimosas, says that’s definitely the way to go. Take it from Andy, who had several while watching college football games he cared nothing about.

Which brings us to resolutions. Ah yes, the New Year’s resolution list. Is there anything more meaningless? Practically every gym in America is packed to the gills through the first two weeks of January, and then…you can have your pick of any treadmill in the place, or any elliptical, except the one that also goes sideways, that’s mine goddamnit!

John and I both come from the world of advertising so we know the signs of waning resolutions. In the beginning of January, almost every commercial is for Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem or the Equinox Gym. A couple weeks later it’s all about McDonalds McRib Sandwich back for only $1.99 as well as the Applebee’s $8.99 lunch special, not to mention the Red Lobster all-you-can-eat Shrimpfest. Ok, we mentioned it but the point is, when that stuff looks gross even on tv, you know it’s gonna even be worse in person.

So here’s to next year’s 2021 resolutions when we vow to lose another 20 pounds each and really, really go to the gym a lot, we swear.

Happy New Year and see you next week.

Andy and John

On new technology and the New Year 1/3/20 (yeah that's right...20)

As we grow older, our priorities change. We find this to be especially true around the celebration of New Year’s Eve. When you’re a kid, you get to stay up late with the babysitter because your parents are at some party. Later you hope you can find a date so you’re not alone for the celebrations. Then if you’re lucky enough to find a date, you have to find something you can do. And afford. It’s as if you’re forced to go out and have a good time. By the time you hit your 60’s, you are likely settled down and have a party to go to. Then the worry becomes, can we stay up until midnight? That was the impetus for our Happy New Year poster (which appears second on your list today as you scroll down from the Closed Captioning comic). Andy and John separately report that they both managed to stay awake for the ball drop. And you’ll have to take their word(s) for it.

The second strip (which appears first) comes from, as Andy’s son Greg used to when he was a little boy, “Real true life.” Except this was John’s life. John sat on the remote and suddenly the Colquhoun’s were blessed with closed captioning on their tv screens. The problem was, they weren’t sure how to turn it off. As John loves to say, “hilarity ensues.”

Here’s the thing with closed captioning. It’s fine in the gym when you can’t hear the tv anyway. And it sure beats turning the tv up to ear-splitting levels. But, and we should note only Andy feels this way, it seems really old to have closed captioning on in your house, because it indicates to everyone that you can’t hear a freakin’ thing. What’s that? I can’t hear you readers out there. Can you speak up just a little louder?

It’s called the fear of getting old, and at 66, Andy still has a long way to go before he gets old…

Happy 2020 everyone and we will be back in your mailboxes next Friday.

Andy and John

On football and the holidays 12/27/19

We sent our annual holiday poster out early for Christmas and Kwanzaa and late for Hanukkah, managing to offend everyone. It also gave us a cute hook for the holiday poster. And we always post to Facebook on Tuesday so that’s the real reason we were both early for some and late for others. That and the fact that Andy enjoys being offensive sometimes. On RARE occasions.

Our best comics come from personal experience. Either John’s when he tried to fix a car by himself or this week’s strip, based on Andy’s season tickets to his beloved NY Giants. His dad took him to every home game starting when Andy was 7 years old.  Andy later took his little brother. And then there was an 8 year hiatus when Andy attended college in St. Louis and followed it up with grad school and his early career in Chicago, but besides that, it was Giants football come rain, sleet or snow. He went with his cousins and buddies. Then came his wife and daughter who sometimes went but usually under protest, except when Ali was too young to realize she hated it. Then came his son Greg and he took to it like a fish takes to water.

Then Andy hit 65. And started to feel the snow and the cold and the wind. And he thought about how nice it was during away games to watch on his hi-def, big screen tv at home. Hanging with his friends and his son’s friends, listening to the announcers point things out he’d never realize on his own. Followed by the growing realization that his time for braving the elements, prepping for the tailgates, leaving the house at 9:30 and not coming home until 5:30 or 6, was slowly coming to a close.

This comic is about football tickets but it’s about so much more. It’s about giving in to age but going kicking and screaming every step of the way. Kind of like Andy himself.

Happy Holidays and we will see you next week,

Andy and John

Holiday Cards and Holiday Cheer 12/20/2019

The holidays wouldn’t be the holidays unless they came with some kind of hassle attached. Take the holiday card, for instance. You have to send one to all your friends and all your “friends.” This requires a trip to the Post Office to ask your friendly postal employee for 200 of those cute winterberry stamps, to which they reply with a snarl, “We only have two books of winterberry so that’s only 32 stamps leaving you 168 stamps short of your goal.” “What else do you have?” I reply. “Well we have wreaths, a manger scene…” “But I’m Jewish,” Andy replies. “Okay, so you can go with our generic ‘Celebrate’ stamps or our ever-popular ‘Disney Villains’ series.” You get the point.

And once you get the stamps and the addresses, “Did the Freedmans move to West Palm for the winter or is that their new permanent address?” Now comes the picture. And the resultant chorus from the family members: “I look fat in that one,” “My hair’s a mess,” “Can we crop out his tattoos?”, (and what frequently happens to Andy) “Your eyes are closed,” as well as the ubiquitous, “Can you at least try to smile?” Fun times for all.

But we save our best fun for those holiday letters that accompany said holiday cards. You know the ones, they tell you how everyone in my family is doing great, in fact they’re doing much better that anyone in your family. So we attempt to have our characters try one, and then think better of it.

That’s all for this week. Happy Holidays and we will be back again to raise your holiday spirits with our constantly uplifting messages.

Andy and John

Zen and the Art of Car Maintenance 12/13/19

Okay, okay you got me. This week’s entries have absolutely nothing to do with Zen.

Nada.

Zilch.

But they do have a lot to do with car maintenance. First of all I need to explain the cultural phenomenon here. Andy is Jewish. He doesn’t know how to do car repairs. John (as Adam Sandler might sing) not a Jew and is therefore a do it yourselfer. But what seems easy often is not. Sure that clown in the YouTube video tells you it’s easy, but when he starts mentioning super hot halogen bulbs and potentially starting electrical fires, well, no thanks. Which is why Al sheepishly ends up going to the service bay of his car dealer. This reflects the experience of one of us. We’ll leave it to you to figure out which one of us that is. Hint: the only thing Andy ever successfully did from a YouTube video was figuring out how to descale a Nespresso Coffeemaker. Please, hold your applause.

This week’s other comic comes with a shout-out to our mutual friend, Alex Avsharian. He told John about this wiggling-your-finger-in-your-ear-to-sound-like-PacMan phenomenon. John asked Alex if we could use it in a strip (no we weren’t desperate, thank you very much) and he said, “Sure, I got it off a meme in the first place.” Thanks anyway Alex. If it weren’t for you, we’d never know how to make that sound. We know other mature tricks like this (how to do a convincing fake vomit sound, for instance) but our huge editorial staff is still deciding whether or not to release that highly classified piece of intel.

So enjoy (or hate) the impeachment trials or if you do still go to work in an office, enjoy online holiday shopping and then the trials (we’ve been there, done that and know exactly how much work is getting done in this run-up to Christmas Break.)

We will see you next week with a theme around those lovely Holiday Cards.

Andy and JOhn

On New (as opposed to young) Love and Old Dogs 12/6/19

At The New 60 we wondered about dating. Now the both of us have been married for a long time, so this is what we imagine dating would be like. We did research from various single friends and what follows for Craig is what you’ve already read. It seems as if there is an initial stage of infatuation, hand holding, feeding each other shrimp, and various public displays of affection that can make you look like a total asshole (at least in public). Then there’s the reaction of Craig’s friends (people like us and many of our readers) which lie somewhere between “Isn’t that nice?,” and “Give me a f’ing break!” The comic says the rest.

But it’s the second comic (or first one on your email) that gets into something a little deeper. As we get older, our pets get older and we get older and we grapple with our mortality. If you say you don’t think about that, we say you’re either lucky or you’re not telling yourself the truth. So we had one of our pets reach the end of the rope and wondered how the guys would deal with it. How long was the proper time to mourn? And how long was the proper time to look for a new pet? And before we rushed into things, did we really want that responsibility again?

So we made it even a little more diabolical by giving this decision to Sam’s second wife, Shellie. Being a relatively new wife and being Sam’s junior by roughly 20 years, she may not have the same allegiance to Sam as Al and Marv have to their wives and each other, after 30+ years of togetherness. Since Shellie is more than willing to replace their dog with a new puppy, Sam wonders how long it would take her to replace him once he’s gone. It’s a funny situation but you know the cliche: there’s a little bit of truth to humor. And the more truth, the better the humor.

The other question is, do these dark musings belong in a blog about a comic strip? When the subject is people 60 or over, we say the answer is a resounding yes.

Now that we have you thoroughly bummed out, please enjoy the holiday season and we’ll be back next Friday with two brand new comics.

Andy and John

What we're thankful for: Thanksgiving. What we're not: Mustaches. 11/28/19

It’s a good thing November is coming to a close. It’s a good thing Movember is also coming to a close. Funny how that works. The good thing about the end of Movember is we are running out of mustache jokes. This time Al, a glutton for punishment if there ever was one, is not satisfied with the guys’ opinion of his “stash”. He has to ask Dottie her opinion. Now Dottie has been his waitress for the past 40 years and he knows she pretty much is a wiseass about everything, so he’s taking a big risk in asking her. She doesn’t disappoint.

The next comic and first on your list is a John special. It’s a actually a poster, which we like doing for the holidays. He took the famous Norman Rockwell painting of an American Thanksgiving, and drew our characters into the painting. It’s so nice, we’ve decided to run it twice. Both last Thanksgiving and the 2019 version.

We’ll be back next week with two new ones and before you know it, it’ll be time for the Chrismakkuhzaa (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa mash up) poster. By trying to offend nobody, we are sure we’ll end up offending everybody and then, in true holiday spirit, we’ll each try to blame the idea on the other guy.

That’s it for now. Our tip for acheiving A happy Thanksgiving is more eating less discussing politics. Good luck with that!

Happy Turkey Day

Andy and John

On technology and mustaches: sometimes they work, sometimes not so much 11/22/19

We couldn't let the month of November pass by without a nod to Movember. Huh? Movember is a portmanteau (thanks to Andy’s daughter Ali for the definition), a mash up of two words. And for Movember, guys are supposed to grow a mustache to raise awareness of men’s health issues. The first question we have is why Movember and not Muvember. Mustache starts with mu, last we checked. And why does November get to hog almost all the glory? Can’t we give the poor little mustache two stinkin’ letters? Nooo. It’s all about NOvember. But we digress. The mustache that Al grows to commemorate Movember makes him look like a , well, like a 70’s porn star. Full disclosure, Andy said, why not just say “porn star?” and John replied, “The mustache is specific to 70’s porn stars.” We looked it up and he was right. Why he knew so much about 70’s porn stars is a different subject, but let’s not conjecture.

The second strip, sad to say, is based on a real story that happened to Andy. Most of the time, something funny happens to one of us, or we observe something funny and then we change it to make it a better comic. This particular incident needed no change whatsoever. Andy had just bought the weirdly designed and unsurprisingly expensive Apple wireless earbuds, and when peeing in a restaurant bathroom, the bud fell out of his ear and into the toilet. After debating for at least a minute (am I reaching in there or not?) he rolled up his sleeve and when he bent over, you guessed it, the automatic flush kicked in. The lesson here is clear. If you are over 60 the latest technology is probably not for you. That goes for wireless earbuds and especially for automatically flushing toilets. From now on it’s bulky, old school, Bose Noise Cancelling, over the ear headphones dammit. And leave the ear buds to the millennials.

Have a great weekend and we’ll be back next week with one new one and one Happy Thanksgiving poster.

Andy and John

Cell phones, a love/hate relationship 11/15/19

Cell phones - those ubiquitous, annoying objects that we can’t seem to live without - are the subjects of both of this week’s comics. It’s hard to believe how long we lived without them, and lived perfectly well. Example: at a college lecture for Andy’s daughter back in 2004, during Freshman Orientation Week, the professor said, “Back in our day (speaking to the parents, most of whom are squarely in the target group for this comic), when we got a poor grade from a professor, we’d have the week to fix our mistakes and improve our work before the inevitable Sunday night (right after Ed Sullivan) weekly phone call home. Nowadays though, your kid gets a bad grade on Tuesday and the first thing she does is pick up one of these (a cell phone) and call you. And then you pick up one of these and call me! Earth to parents, let your kids figure it out for themselves.” Wise advice indeed. How did we live without cell phones? We lived just like the professor suggested.

Today’s first comic comes from an incident Andy had in Grand Central Station. He was walking with two favorite colleagues from his ad agency, Tanya and Amanda, the latter who doubles as a stand up comic, and they were rushing to make a train. Stuck behind an incredibly slow-moving person who was attempting to text and walk at the same time, Amanda yelled “Luke Textwalker, move it!” When Andy relayed this to John, he immediately switched the scene, because a big wide view of Grand Central at rush hour doesn’t easily fit into a little comic strip frame. Nonetheless, the subject of textwalking is grist for our New 60 mill. And next time you’re stuck behind a slow textwalker, feel free to use the phrase.

Our second strip shows the other side of cell phones. How incredibly useful they are in helping us navigate more easily through our days. In a matter of minutes, Al’s daughter does all his errands for him without ever moving. And this enables Al to spend the day with his grandson. The fact that he’s teaching him how to burp on cue is besides the point. One of your comic strip duo here knows how to do that, but which one? We will leave that to your imaginations.

That’s it for this week, we’ll be back with some more leading into Thanksgiving. In the meantime, have a wonderful, if freezing, cold weekend and don’t textwalk if either of us is behind you. Seriously!

Andy and John

You can say anything, but don't say THAT!!!!!!

If you’re of a certain age, it’s tough to know what to say these days. Especially on the subjects of politics and gender identity. It seems that no matter what you say or what you believe, you wind up offending someone. Or many someones.

The first comic you’ll see this week deals with gender identity. It is not about making fun of a very serious topic. It is making fun of OUR confusion about a very serious topic. Before we proceeded we asked for some millennial opinions. Here’s a sample: “could be perceived as ignorant, if not offensive,” “the burden is not on the older generation in trying to understand it, the burden is on the people who are living it.” All true and valid points. But THIS particular comic, The New 60, is about what our characters are feeling and how they are trying to make sense of a world in which everything is changing with increasing rapidity. Now, we understand nothing about the struggles of gender identity is funny. But confusion, specifically the confusion of our characters as they try to come to grips with a new reality, now THAT’S funny. SO we went ahead and did it. Don’t shoot us. We want to be alive for next week’s comics as well.

The second one you’ll come across came from an incident in John’s life. John lives far away from NY City but his job and this job require him to come in from time to time. And so, one day, he found himself drifting off behind the wheel. You know all the techniques: pull off the road at the next rest stop and take a nap, open your windows to let the cold air in, turn the radio up, etc. But John had a creative solution that actually worked. What John did is turn the radio to a news talk show with a host whose views he despised. That got him going. It worked. If you have any doubts, just think of when you are watching a news show and the other side has a brave representative who comes on and expresses the opposite opinion of what you believe. If you’re anything like Andy, you shout, curse and yell at the person to shut the f@#* up.

That’s the thing with this strip. Knowing where to look for material is surprisingly easy. We just live it. Ideas happen in cars, in stores, in restaurants, in movies and in stories our friends tell us. It’s why, on the website, “Andy gives this dire warning: If you are with me, near me or within earshot of me, you are fodder for this strip.” Beware. See you next week with two new ones and have a great, but freezing cold, weekend.

Andy and John

Time to be a kid 11/01/19

You remember what it’s like to be a kid, don’t you? It hasn’t been THAT long. Sure we say things like, “My back hurts,” “My knee hurts,” “I’ve got tickets to the World Series but I’d rather watch it on tv at home,” or “I can’t go out in this weather, my hair will frizz.” But at least we can REMEMBER what it’s like to be young. Take Halloween for instance. We remember the thrill of trick or treating, then we took our kids and saw the joy on their faces (and stole their candy after they went to bed), and finally we got to the point where the kids were grown up and out of the house, but we still had to have candy for the trick or treaters, right? And if you moved to an apartment house like Andy, you had very few trick or treaters, but still wanted the damn candy. Well it turns out Andy was standing on line at Walgreens Halloween afternoon behind a man who appeared to be in his 60’s or 70’s and had his arms loaded with candy. Andy asked him if it was for the neighborhood kids or himself and he just smiled. But you know what gave him away? Boxes of Good ‘ Plenty, Mike ‘n Ikes and Tootsie Rolls. Definitely for him. And that was the inspiration for today’s comic.

Scrolling down to our second idea, we examined the absolute absurdity of people watching other people play video games. On tv. Is that really a thing? It’s a thing. If you look at your channel guide, and go somewhere around station number 12070 (made that one up folks), you will see video games being played. Think of the implications. Why bother with human football players or baseball players? They get hurt, they get traded, they make contract demands. If people will watch other people play video sports instead, why not just do that? Just this year, tens of thousands of fans packed Arthur Ashe stadium for three successive days to watch other people play a shoot ‘em up game called Fortnight. Kids and young adults were playing the video game and what was on their screens was being shown on the jombo monitors in the stadium. Overall there was $30 million in prize money handed out to the contestants. After John questioned his career choice, he suggested that this was a topic ripe for skewering. And skewer we did. Now aren’t you sorry you told your kids to put down the damn game and do their homework??? Little did we know.

So that’s all she wrote for this week. We will see you next week with two new ones. Have a great weekend everyone.

Andy and John

Dinner guests from hell 10/25/19

Welcome back, dear readers. You know those people that you haven’t seen in 20 years, then you hook up with them once again, and then you remember why it’s been 20 years since you’ve last spoken? This week we wanted to take you to a dinner with one of those couples. The dinner may seem endless but it’s not the service that makes it long, it’s that YOU want to get the hell out. This particular dinner lasts so long, it takes up both of this week’s comics.

Which brings us around to plastic surgery. As we all know, some face jobs are better than others. Some, let’s face it, really suck. There’s the absolutely “no lines anywhere” look, the “impossibly thick lips” look, the ”more impossibly large boobs” look, and the “subtle but nice” look. That last one makes for a good face lift, but not for a good comic. One time Andy came into a meeting at work, sweating through his blue work shirt, and a woman at the meeting - who was all about plastic surgery - told him, “you know, if you get botox injections under your arms, it can keep you from sweating.” Note: Andy still sweats.

The meal from hell doesn’t end there, though. This couple is one of those notorious “kid braggers.” “My oldest is taking over (your choice): Hollywood, Silicon Valley, Wall St., while our little angel has taken London by storm as a celebrity chef, and is planning a string of start-ups in Beijing.” We’ve all sat through insufferable meals like this, and when you get past a certain age, you (hopefully) curb the urge to say, “why don’t you just shut the ‘f’ up?” Well, we figured out a way to shut them the “f” up, by concentrating on what is really important.

That’s it for now. Have a wonderful weekend and we hope you don’t wind up at dinner with one of those guys. If so, take our advice and call it a night and have coffee and dessert at home. Unless you want to hear about our kids.

Andy and John

Somethings change for the worse and somethings never change 10/18/19

Welcome back, dear readers. We know we promised our previous baseball comic would be our last of this year, but c’mon, it’s the playoffs and as one of us was quietly following in bed late one night trying not to disturb his wife, this light bulb went off. Isn’t that just like what we used to do as little boys with our transistor radios? “Good night mom,” we’d say, “Going to sleep now,” as we turned on the game and placed the radio under our pillows. The only things that have changed are: the games are much slower and finish much later than they ever used to, we’re saying good night to our wives instead of our moms. Oh yeah,one other thing: we’re now mature adults who no longer have to sneak watching the game into extra innings. Well, forget that last one, but at least the games are on much later. This, we realized was perfect for our “Then and Now” format.

The next comic is about crossword puzzles. Both Andy and John still do them, but just the minis. They have both ventured into the longer form puzzles on Mondays and Tuesdays (for those of you who don’t know, the NY Times makes the longer puzzles harder with each successive day of the week), but neither one of us has managed to complete a full Wednesday puzzle. There’s been a great deal of research on doing crosswords and the need to exercise the mind. It’s fun and a hell of a lot easier than excercising the body, let’s be honest. Do they really work on keeping the mind sharp? Who knows, but a dull mind makes a dull comic, so we’ll keep on trying to solve them.

On a sad note, we lost a good friend to breast cancer last week who was also a big fan of the comic. Remember the comic about the woman who had her first grandchild and didn’t want to be called Grandma? Well, that was based on our friend Linda Casper. You will be sorely missed, Linda.

Enjoy your weekend and we’ll see you digitally next Friday with two new ones.

Andy and John

On scrolling the web and a personal gas crisis 10/11/19

Do you guys know you need an enhanced drivers license by next year? If you don’t have one by Oct 20, 2020, you won’t be able to board a domestic flight. Armed with that knowledge, Andy went off to the DMV with the necessary multiple forms. When he arrived he had to wait almost two hours. When he got to the clerk, she asked where his social security card was? He said, “I lost it, but here it is on my tax return. She said “That’s the wrong tax return, you need THIS tax return which you don’t have.” Which is why Andy had to apply for a replacement social security card just so he could get his new enhanced license. With us so far? At any rate, while applying, he had to enter his birth date. He scrolled backwards with a vigorous swipe of his index finger, but that only got him back to the 1990’s. So he scrolled again, and again and once more until he finally got to 1953. And THAT, dear readers, was the impetus for our first comic this week.

The next one came from something we all do but never admit to doing. At least John does and it happened to Andy but only once. If you’ve gotten this far, you now know what that is. Andy and John felt the strip needed an intellectual boost so they tackled the delicate and sensitive subject of farting. We know our readers turn to us for insights into the most important and pressing matters of the day and we wanted to let you know how happy we are to research this urgent matter and more like it. You want politics, go the cable news shows. You want insights that can help make you a more well-rounded, intelligent being, come to The New 60.

Have a nice weekend and we will be back by semi-popular demand next week with two new comics.

Andy and John

Take me out to the ballgame 10/4/19

This week we thought we’d devote both comics to the National Pastime, baseball. Or at least it used to be the National Pastime (and why does “pastime” have only one “t”?) until football took over. But we digress. We have a character, Sam, who - in addition to being a commercial voice over artist - has a sideline gig as the stadium announcer for the Boulder City Bullets. Bowing to political pressure, the Bullets are changing their name to the Boulders. No big deal, unless you happen to be the mascot, Bobby Bullet, for the better part of three decades. This comes from an actual incident, in which the former Baltimore Bullets of the NBA, moved to DC and got rebranded, The Washington Wizards. Or take the case of the Milwaukee Brewers’ Bernie Brewer. Everytime the Brewers would hit a homer, Bernie would hop on a slide, and when he disappeared from view, foam and bubbles would fly up indicating he landed in a giant keg of beer. No more. Now he just hops on the slide and gets off. We imagined what a mascot might feel like when he or she got “rebranded.”

Next comic up also came from an actual incident. Andy was attending a Mets’ game when the scoreboard lit up with the “Kiss Cam.” For those of you who don’t know what a Kiss Cam is, it’s a camera that finds couples, puts their picture up on the scoreboard, and expects them to kiss. The crowd then roars its approval or disapproval on the passion (or lack thereof) displayed. At the game in question, the people profiled for the Kiss Cam did their jobs and kissed. Except for one couple who did not. The camera came back to them three different times as the boos grew louder. Finally the guy gestured to the girl he was with and mouthed the words “it’s my sister.” We didn’t copy the moment, but added our New 60 twist to it.

That’s the last baseball comic you’ll see from us until next spring. But now it’s on to falling leaves, football, sweaters and eating. See you next week with two new ones.

Andy and John

WHAT DO OLDER GUYS TALK ABOUT AND HOW MUCH DO WE REMEMBER?

What were we just saying? Oh yeah, memory. John has taken to going to Trivia Night with his buddies. These guys know an awful lot of stuff. There’s just some stuff they’re a little hazy on. Like Mesopotamia. Past Olympic Decathlon champs. And rap. That’s right, rap. For those of you blog readers who did not know the answer to the quiz, What rapper’s birth name is Chris Wallace, it is none other than the Notorious B.I.G. And that’s the rapper, not the Supreme Court Justice. C’mon, everyone knows that, right? Okay, we didn’t know it, either. So we googled “famous rappers’ birth names.” And that way you thought we were hip and all-knowing. So we’re not. Nonetheless trivia is making a comeback as you have likely noticed. After John talked about Trivia Night, Andy went out for dinner with his wife Joanie to a seafood restaurant where they just happened to be having Trivia Thursday. How did the couple react? They finished their oysters and walked out.

Our next comic (which comes up first on the website) deals with what people talk about at different stages of life. It’s all perspective. Andy remembers learning of his grandpa’s death when he was a 9 year old boy. His parents said, “Grandpa died at 62, such a young man.” And little Andy thought, “Young man? 62? That’s ancient!” Now that he is 66 and John is a spritely 60, that aforementioned passing at age 62 sounds mighty, mighty young. This comic is our attempt to capture that perspective.

Wow, that got morbid all of a sudden. Get over it! This is a comic! We’re supposed to make you laugh. To that end, we’d like to remind you to read the blog, except this is the blog, so you’re actually...forget it.

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next week with two new comics.

Andy and John

On the old (thank you notes) and the new (ebikes) 9/19/19

The New:

A comic strip can come from anywhere and anyone. The more John and I experience, the more material we get. This first strip owes a thank you to Stan and Bob from Hastings Velo (shameless plug for a great bicycle store) who sold Andy an ebike and from Mark of Architectural Minerals and Stone (shameless plug #2 for a beautiful store of minerals and gems) who told Andy what he thought of said ebike (It took a lot of stones by the way, pun intended). Now before we go another step further, you might be asking, what on earth is an ebike? An ebike is just like a regular bike, except… it has a motor. When you switch it on and start pedaling, it helps you get up hills. If you’re a fan of these bikes you say, “I use my bike much more often than I would have ever used my regular bike. If you’re not a fan, you say, ‘But that’s cheating.’” The aforementioned Mark, by the way, holds the latter view. So while I felt a bit deflated, John and I got a funny comic out of it, so all in all, it was a pretty good deal.

The Old:

Next up is a strip about thank you notes. Remember them? A lot of people don’t. And while an ebike may improve the riding experience, an e-note just doesn’t cut it. At least not for people of a certain age group. First of all, if you send me an e-thank you note for your wedding or birthday gift, I know you copied the same damn note 100 times and just filled in the blanks for the particular present. Example, “Thank you so much for the beautiful ____________, we will think of you whenever we use it.” Sorry, just doesn’t cut it. So, to our friends and readers, we discuss the dying art of the handwritten thank you note (in cursive, by the way). And if you don’t know what cursive is, then forget we mentioned the entire subject in the first place.

A look at the new and a look at the old. What will we come up with next week? Check your inbox next Friday to see the answer.

That’s it, and have a great weekend.

Andy and John